Just waiting for all the possibilities to become realities.
For the first time in awhile, I find myself somewhat excited about the new year. It is a man-made institution and really no different from yesterday? Sure! But it’s still a kind of great excuse to “start fresh” if you want. And I want.
For the first time in a LONG time, God is exciting. My relationship with him feels like a marriage that was on the rocks for a long time, but then the couple decides to really work on it and things improve. Except that God didn’t really give up on me, did He? I gave up, moved away and wanted the separation. I wanted the dingy, smelly apartment with the bug-ridden kitchen and dim bulbs and orange shag carpet. Because it seemed so much better than working on my marriage. Stupid, stupid Tina. I’m back at home with my Lord, cuddling on the couch and planning our future again. And happy about the fact.
**Side note: my parents’ house really had orange carpets when I was growing up. Orange has been my least-favorite color for many, many years in honor of that.**
My sister used an app called My Fitness Pal and managed, using basic math of LESS IN to lose 35 lbs in 2014. I have downloaded the app and been fooling around with it. While it’s somewhat depressing to see just how few calories a 5′ 1″ woman who wants to lose weight gets to eat, it’s definitely eye-opening to realize that my morning cup of coffee (that sometimes makes its way to two cups), eats up 1/12th of my allotted daily needs. That’s a LOT of calories for a drink!
So while I’m not making any ridiculous New Year’s resolutions that I will break in two weeks, my word for 2015 is RECOMMITTED. To God. To my health and well-being. To our new church. To growth. Such a good place to be, don’t you think?!
Awhile back I posted about Being Stuck. Addiction. God. Parenting one of my children. Those three things had me mired in a place where I just couldn’t move. Not an inch. I couldn’t seem to get out of where i was but I HATED where I was.
So I started counseling.
And put a sort of block on my cellphone. Because, people, even 20 freaking years into this recovery I still cannot handle unaccountable time on the internet.I MUST have someone looking over my shoulder. Really. MUST. For September and October and even most of November I was what I’ll call unwillingly sober. Forced because of my accountability software. Somewhere in late November something switched. Whether my brain chemicals finally caught up with the fact that hey, you’re sober! Or I’m far enough on the path towards God that it cleared my brain, but I finally WANT to be sober. If thoughts come into my brain I shoo them away instead of lovingly caress them and call them my precious. If a plot from a book floats into my thoughts, I put my thoughts onto something else. It’s GOOD people! Really GOOD.
God and I are back on speaking terms. That, too, is GOOD. We’re going to church, somewhat regularly. I’d like to make some friends there, but hopefully that will come in time. I don’t automatically blow Him off when something crosses my mind that’s difficult (i.e. Connor’s passing away). It’s good. I LIKE being on better terms with God.
The parenting thing…well…2 out of 3 ain’t bad, right? Just kidding! I’m still going to her (although taking a short break for the holiday craziness) and am still working on the parenting thing. I’m really struggling with one particular child right now–which has happened in the past and has ultimately passed–but this time it’s lasting longer and seems to be more difficult. So I’ll keep working on it…and the sobriety and the God thing and….life is work, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. Right?!
We’re already almost done October. How the heck did THAT happen? I’ll be 46 in a few weeks (my children’s English teacher last year is young enough to have been my child. I’m getting OLD!).
Life has been very busy around here of late. The new school schedule, with driving to one or another child’s school each day has taken a toll on me and the house. I’m more snappy with both my husband and my children. I’m frequently overwhelmed. And shutting down because of it. My addiction, while not actively RAGING, has been on the front burner for almost this whole freaking year. And I’m sick of it. Not sick enough to stop, obviously, but sick of it nevertheless. *wry smile
I’ve been in counseling for about a month. I don’t know that I’ve seen any major changes, but it’s really nice to talk to someone about stuff that’s going on–parenting, addiction, God…all are difficulties now. She gives me homework (which Jim finds endlessly amusing). One of the things is to be more social with friends and family. Being that this is my birthday month I’ll have birthday money and am meeting with not only my mother and sister for lunch, but four other gals for lunch/dinner all on separate occasions! It’s a banner month for me, being that I can go literally months without seeing anyone outside of Jim and my next-door neighbor. And I definitely need that adult-recharging time.
This past weekend was the annual Queen for a Day, which I love and look forward to all year. Worship time, brunch, visiting with other caregivers (moms/wives) of special needs individuals, spa things like massages, nails, foot rubs, satin hands, and a lovely tea room with a harpist and treats. I come away refreshed and feeling wonderful. And wanting more information for and about Ethan.
Financially we’re keeping our heads above water. Just. August stunk (triplet’s birthday!). September stunk (back to school). October stunk (Jim’s trip to Beaver Island, MI). November SHOULD be ok, and there will be that magical 3rd paycheck in December that will pay for Christmas. Thank goodness!
Have any of you “wandered away” from God and come back? I’ve done it before, but am not sure how to get back. Honestly. Any input from you would be welcome.
Emotionally that’s how I’ve felt lately. Very, very STUCK. Whether it’s unwillingness or inability to get past these issues in my life, I don’t know. Hence counseling that starts tomorrow night.
1. 13 years and still having difficulty with my son Connor’s death. We had, I guess, miracles with the others. Why couldn’t God have made HIM a miracle too? And while I get, on some level at least, that our life here is fleeting and like the grass withers and dies and heaven is forever, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to know your son on earth instead of waiting until you die and actually go to heaven. I want him HERE. And that’s impossible. And I can’t get past it.
2. Pursuant to #1, my relationship with God is rather strained. As in, nonexistent. There is no church. There isn’t much praying. There isn’t any reading of the bible. There is some listening to Christian radio–both music and teaching. There is some willingness to talk to a friend.
3. Pursuant to #2, Sex addiction. Yeah, that. If it wasn’t for the fact that both my PC and cell were completely monitored, I would most likely still be off in the deep end. I lost most of August to it. Not exaggerating. In a rare moment of sanity, I had Jim disable certain things on my iPhone and now I only have access to monitored internet and no book apps. And I cannot add apps. And I am not so far gone that I don’t care that Jim or my AP sees the filth that I was reading online. But it’s still there. And it still needs to be dealt with.
And I need to get UN-stuck.
I’m writing here because I can’t put this on Facebook. A friend of mine–38, mother of three (including twins) just had a stroke this weekend. Much, MUCH prayer has followed. Which is right and proper. She is making a miraculous recovery, which is wonderful. But then come the “God is SOOO good!” posts. Or, “Never underestimate the power of prayer! Constant prayer, with full conviction, without loss of hope, really does create miracles”.
My response is: God sometimes says NO. It’s still an answer. He’s still good. But yeah, NO was a big, huge answer to a lot of our (and many, many, MANY other peoples) prayers.
But I’m not posting that on Facebook because, well, I’m not going to be a downer.
Laura: Mom, is gay marriage in the Bible?
Laura: Then is it OK?
Me: No. I don’t think the writers of the Bible conceived of gay marriage. But there are a lot of things that aren’t in the Bible that aren’t OK. Abortion isn’t in the Bible, but it’s still wrong. But I’ll tell you what, Laura. It’s not my job–or your job–to tell people that what they are doing is wrong. It’s our job to love them.
Me: I think too often we as Christians are known by what we are against and not what we are for. God has told us to love. Love people regardless of what we think of how they live. It’s not our job to judge them, it’s our job just to love them. It’s God’s job to tell them what they are doing is wrong. It’s my job to love them.
So, as I said last time I’m not one to see a demon behind every struggle, although I definitely believe that they are behind some. Conversely, I don’t see God in every little “coincidence”, although I definitely believe He is in some of them.
So….The falling-apart-day had one thing in it that I didn’t know about until the following day after I posted. While I was out grabbing lunch at a local farmer’s market store, I checked out and saw that they had Our Daily Bread by the check out counter (oh, yeah, they are Christian owned and operated). So, on a whim, I grabbed one and put it in the bag. Forgot about it because I just took the food out and ate it and left the bag on the counter (which I am trying to grow out of!)
So, Thursday I’m straightening up, which included the counter. Find the Daily Bread and put it on the living room coffee table for later perusing. When I sat down to start reading it, I noticed it was the June,July,August issue. Now, the OCD part of me would normally be totally bugged by that, but I needed to do SOMETHING, so I ignored it and just opened to the first page. The passage was John 10:7-14, which, COINCIDENTALLY, contains the verse “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” that I spoke about two posts ago.
Thank you, God, for that little pat on the head. I needed it. I’m searching and You really me to keep at it, huh?.