Posted in Addiction, Counseling, God, Me, Money, Parenting

State of the Blogger

We’re already almost done October. How the heck did THAT happen? I’ll be 46 in a few weeks (my children’s English teacher last year is young enough to have been my child. I’m getting OLD!).

Life has been very busy around here of late. The new school schedule, with driving to one or another child’s school each day has taken a toll on me and the house. I’m more snappy with both my husband and my children. I’m frequently overwhelmed. And shutting down because of it. My addiction, while not actively RAGING, has been on the front burner for almost this whole freaking year. And I’m sick of it. Not sick enough to stop, obviously, but sick of it nevertheless. *wry smile

I’ve been in counseling for about a month. I don’t know that I’ve seen any major changes, but it’s really nice to talk to someone about stuff that’s going on–parenting, addiction, God…all are difficulties now. She gives me homework (which Jim finds endlessly amusing). One of the things is to be more social with friends and family. Being that this is my birthday month I’ll have birthday money and am meeting with not only my mother and sister for lunch, but four other gals for lunch/dinner all on separate occasions! It’s a banner month for me, being that I can go literally months without seeing anyone outside of Jim and my next-door neighbor.  And I definitely need that adult-recharging time.

This past weekend was the annual Queen for a Day, which I love and look forward to all year. Worship time, brunch, visiting with other caregivers (moms/wives) of special needs individuals, spa things like massages, nails, foot rubs, satin hands, and a lovely tea room with a harpist and treats. I come away refreshed and feeling wonderful. And wanting more information for and about Ethan.

Financially we’re keeping our heads above water. Just. August stunk (triplet’s birthday!). September stunk (back to school). October stunk (Jim’s trip to Beaver Island, MI). November SHOULD be ok, and there will be that magical 3rd paycheck in December that will pay for Christmas. Thank goodness!

Have any of you “wandered away” from God and come back? I’ve done it before, but am not sure how to get back. Honestly. Any input from you would be welcome.

Posted in Addiction, Birth Story, Counseling, God, Kids

Stuck

Emotionally that’s how I’ve felt lately. Very, very STUCK. Whether it’s unwillingness or inability to get past these issues in my life, I don’t know. Hence counseling that starts tomorrow night.

1. 13 years and still having difficulty with my son Connor’s death. We had, I guess, miracles with the others. Why couldn’t God have made HIM a miracle too? And while I get, on some level at least, that our life here is fleeting and like the grass withers and dies and heaven is forever, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to know your son on earth instead of waiting until you die and actually go to heaven. I want him HERE. And that’s impossible. And I can’t get past it.

2. Pursuant to #1, my relationship with God is rather strained. As in, nonexistent. There is no church. There isn’t much praying. There isn’t any reading of the bible. There is some listening to Christian radio–both music and teaching. There is some willingness to talk to a friend. 

3. Pursuant to #2, Sex addiction. Yeah, that. If it wasn’t for the fact that both my PC and cell were completely monitored, I would most likely still be off in the deep end. I lost most of August to it. Not exaggerating. In a rare moment of sanity, I had Jim disable certain things on my iPhone and now I only have access to monitored internet and no book apps. And I cannot add apps. And I am not so far gone that I don’t care that Jim or my AP sees the filth that I was reading online. But it’s still there. And it still needs to be dealt with.

And I need to get UN-stuck.

Posted in 7 Quick Takes, Addiction, Counseling, Family, Recipe

7 Quick Takes Friday

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. Screech! It’s past the middle of September! How did we get here?? We’re finishing up the third week of cyber school and I’m STILL trying to get some semblance of routine with driving, home facilitating with school and housework. Oh, and laundry. I’ve had to re-wash laundry 4 times this week because I kept forgetting about it. And I can’t even blame it on the washer–it’s on the same floor I’m on practically all day (not in the basement, where I forgot about it all the time).

2. On a more serious note, I had an intake evaluation for counseling this week. Deep breath. Boy, was I nervous! I have done counseling off and on for more than 20 years for all sorts of things: family relationships, addiction, marriage, etc. However, it’s been awhile since I’ve done it. Talking about any of my issues, especially addiction, is difficult. But I had reached the point where, honestly, what I’m doing is just not working anymore. So I think a professional’s opinion and input would be rather helpful at getting me past where I’m stuck. (which I will cover in a future post, I promise!)

3. This was a banner week in my extended family. My parents celebrated their SIXTIETH wedding anniversary. SIX ZERO, people! That’s amazing! According to Google, without which I would be completely lost, it’s their Diamond anniversary. Way to Go Mom and Dad!

Also in my extended family, my sister and brother in law celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary. On the same day. I remember being so happy for my sister at her wedding. We adored (and continue to adore!) the man she chose to spend the rest of her life with. May they one day celebrate their 60th too!

4. I had a neighbor over for coffee this morning. While that doesn’t sound like much, we’ve been in the same neighborhood for 6 years or so, have children the same age and are even both believers. And this is the first time we sat down to chat. Ever. So yeah, I’m looking forward to more coffee talks with her. Women friends ROCK.

5. I made these Fish Tacos this week. YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!! One of the best things I’ve had in a long time. I love when what I make at home is restaurant-good! Mine weren’t QUITE this picturesque, but they were delicious!

6. The girls and I watched the 2nd half of Singin’ in the Rain this week. a) they both loved it b) they want to watch the rest of it c) I wonder if I can translate that to seeing OTHER wonderful musicals? Because there are so many out there!

7. My mother in law contacted me for the person I used for Connor’s gravestone 13 years ago (for her mother’s marker). I knew exactly where the information was (notebook from that time period) and she was still in business. My MIL remembered that we said how wonderful she was and wanted to use her as well. I think that people who work in the “death industry” (for lack of a better phrase!) tend to be extra-nice. I’m sure there are jerks. And maybe the people we worked with were jerks to others–maybe they were extra nice because it was the death of a baby. I don’t know. But everyone was SO kind to us and I’m glad that at least one of them is getting more business because of that.

For those of you who follow my posts, I just wanted to give you a quick shout out. It kind of freaks me out that people do that. So Hello! Thank you! I appreciate you! Feel free to comment! 🙂

Posted in Counseling, Kids

Upchucking Emotions

Yeah, that would be me. I went to counseling again. She actually made me cry. In a good way. I’m not fond of crying other than in complete privacy, so that wasn’t much fun. But hey, I’m making progress. No, wait, Progress, people, with a capital P! I know some of why I get mad, and am supposed to start replacing those internal negative voices with good, positive ones. I’ve started the tapes today already “See, you’re excellent at the doctor’s office! Very patient with the drama. And you thought to bring up the lack of meat-eating thing! Which led us to find the low-iron thing. Way to go!” I won’t go into the voice-track it’s replacing, but it’s not very nice, trust me.

Catie had her 5th year well check up today. No shots, thank goodness. However, in discussing her lack of meat eating with the doctor, we decided to test her blood for iron. She is an 11, which is the lowest they accept. So when I go grocery shopping next, I’ll be picking up a new multi-vitamin with iron in it. I’m glad I thought to bring it up!

Tonight is Jim’s company party. It’s one of the cooler parties I’ve gone to; they hire a gambling company that provides tables, has dealers that teach you how to play while you’re playing, and you don’t use real money. And you can win some pretty amazing prizes like Playstations or DVR’s. And then there’s the prime rib for dinner. I went out to find a blouse and scored not only it, but a skirt, a pair of dress pants and stockings for $41 total. WooHoo! Peebles was having a very good sale.

Although standing in front of that mirror was rather unpleasant, but hey, we’re not going to focus on the negatives right now, are we??? LOL!

Posted in Counseling, Jim

So I went to Counseling

And while driving home the 6 odd minutes it takes to get from her office to my home, I felt like I had vomited a lot of emotion and history into her lap. Seriously. That’s how it felt. I have homework, which is amusing to my husband. When I get angry, I have to stop (which is a Good Thing), write down the situation that is causing the emotion, and the level of intensity. I have to come up with levels. I thought I would share them with you (I had to use MS Word’s thesaurus for a little help!)

Irritated: Whichever child you are, you are getting on my nerves. Please stop.
Annoyed: Whichever child you are, WHY do you continue to get on my nerves? CEASE!
Upset: Whichever child you are, I’m starting to lose my temper.
Mad: Ok, kid, now I’m mad.
Livid: I’m yelling. Screaming, actually. Charming, aren’t I?

At next week’s appointment we will see if there is a common thread with all the situations. I can guess that they will include either a child or a spouse, but that’s purely conjecture on my part.

Oh, and about that Spouse, he can make me laugh more than anyone else in the world. That’s one of the things I fell in love with lo, those many years ago. Do I tell you this story? Who will be more embarrassed? Him? Me? You?

Ok, I’ll tell you. I have this thing (and I’ve told you all before I’m quirky, so don’t pretend to be shocked). I like to pull out his belly button fuzz. I know, I know! I’m weird. But there it is. I do it and he rolls his eyes (though I think he secretly likes it). Anyway! Last night we’re snuggled up watching Amanda Overmeyer get kicked off Idol (which shocked us both!), and I lifted his shirt a tiny bit to get out the fluff. I showed him and then threw it out in the trash can. He said, (and don’t you love him?) “Hey, there might have been a Who in there!” !!!!!

Which totally made the vomit feeling go away.

Posted in Counseling

A Counseling I Will Go…..

Just made the decision a little bit ago that I am definitely going to counseling. I’m tired of being angry so often. I’m tired of yelling CONSTANTLY at the children. I’m tired of always REacting instead of being PROactive with the family. God has been bombarding me with messages (yes, that’s usually what it takes) that my children are a blessing, that I should be mothering them better, that I shouldn’t feel like I need to escape from them but love being with them. And for that, honestly, I will need someone professional to talk to.

I’ll be making a call later today, after Catie goes to preschool, to a local person. I’m nervous, but looking forward to talking it all out. Finally.