Buffering

aka Status Update

It’s been almost three weeks since Mom died. The first week was wading through concrete mixed with planning the burial/memorial service. The second week was more wading through concrete. I just couldn’t…make myself do anything. I didn’t cook, I didn’t work out, I didn’t really talk to any friends…I just existed.

In the meantime, on the good news front, I got a new job. I explained about my loss and they said I could start this week or even a week later if needed. I started Monday and am working MWF, 4-6 hours per day.

I’ve worked five days a week for four hours a day for the past three years, so this is a bit of a change. But having two full days during the week at home to do all the extra-curricular things has been a good thing to adapt to. Including finally replacing the car that got totaled back in January.

In terms of grieving, if I don’t think or talk about her, I’m ok. I can get my life done and work and grocery shop etc. If it comes up in conversation, I start to cry. So, yeah. Pretty sure that’s “normal” whatever that means.

Awhile back I had four really difficult things going on–my job loss, the car, one of my kids and my mom. All four things are now–for better for for worse–resolved. I’m now dealing with (or not dealing with, as the case may be) a different situation with a different family member and I don’t have a path forward at this moment because this family member is extremely difficult to deal with on a good day and this person is not having a good day with me right now. A talk needs to be had, and I hope I can be courageous enough to have it, but I’m fully and totally aware that this person is not willing to relate in an adult Christian manner (although they are both) and the talk may quickly devolve into something even more damaging than has already happened. So as much as this situation is constantly on my mind, and even keeping me awake at night, I’m avoiding confrontation/conversation until I feel like this person might be more receptive to being an adult. And sorry for the “vaguebooking” but it’s just a yucky situation and I don’t feel I have the ability to be completely open about it.

Loss

My mother passed away yesterday morning.

She was 91 and had been declining for awhile, but on Feb 5th she had a bad fall. She broke her wrist and banged her head in such a way that she ended up with a brain bleed (a “subdural hematoma”). My sister and I have learned much in the last month. From that moment on, the decline, though not all at once, was much swifter and much sharper. She had a hospital stay that lasted for 9 days, and came home Wednesday evening. By Thursday things had dramatically changed and we ended up back in the ER, getting a hospice evaluation, which was approved, and then going back to my sister’s house to wait things out. Our whole family (minus two people who were out of state), came over, visited and basically said good bye to Mom or MumMum. The house was full of people who loved her and who she loved.

Friday I arrived around 8:15, not knowing what the day would look like. We met with a hospice nurse and a social worker and heard about things that would happen in the coming days. We all spent time with Mom in her room: my brother in law prayed with her, my niece’s husband read the bible to her, my sister and niece visited with her individually, which I also did, but my main thing was singing hymns to her.

My mother was Baptist and I was raised that way. We sang hymns on Sundays and they are rather ingrained in my brain. Or, at least the first verse is. Sometimes the others, sometimes I had to look at my phone. Thank you to https://popularhymns.com/ for lyrics as I needed them. I literally went through the list alphabetically (no, not every single one, but yes, every one that I knew). She would move her mouth like she was singing to a few. The experience was one of the most precious one of my entire life.

I left around 5:30 to go and spend my night with my family. While her breathing had worsened a bit, neither my sister nor I thought death was imminent.

My phone rang at 3:42am. My sister had her alarm go off at 3:30 for the dose of morphine to keep my mom comfortable. When she and my niece got to the bedroom, Mom was gone. Recently. They called the hospice for the nurse to come and then called me.

Side note: there is practically no one on the streets in our area at 4am.

Yesterday was a day of saying good-bye and making plans and being overwhelmed with grief. Hearing my father say goodbye and asking her to “save a room for me” in heaven drove my niece and I to cling to each other and sob.

I spoke to a friend who is a retired hospice nurse and told her something I had learned through the process: I had dreaded this, not having gone through it. I was scared and anxious and all the emotions. But it was precious. It was lovely. It was indescribable to walk with someone in their last hours to heaven. Especially singing by the hour to my mother.

We are a family of faith. My mother loved the Lord and is, we truly believe, in heaven with Him now. Seeing her mother, her grandmother, my son, and all her friends who went before her. It does not mitigate the loss of her presence in our lives, but knowing all the things I sang about with regards to heaven are now a fact in her life instead of a “someday” is wonderful.

Can I Stop the Merry Go Round Please?

aka THERE’S SO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW

Thursday a week ago I had my first really bad experience at a dentist. I have somehow developed a phobia, which isn’t fun to begin with. When it’s just for cleaning and x-rays I manage, but with proper drilling type stuff I now fall apart, cry and shake. This is pretty awful. I needed two shots of novocaine, which STUNK, and will need to go back for either a crown or a root canal, only time will tell.

Last Sunday I hit a deer with my car. The first time in the 37 years I’ve been driving. It was VERY VERY upsetting and did some damage to the car, which goes in on Wednesday. Hoping it’s just the outside stuff, but we’ll see.

Thursday while at work I got a call from someone wanting to talk about the job posting. I didn’t know there was a job posting, and neither did my coworker. Upon looking it up, it seems it’s MY JOB, only full time, which I am unable to work due to family obligation, both children and parents. I was, understandably, upset and freaked out. Friday my boss called me in to tell me about it, and I was grateful I had already had my reaction in private. So now I’m actively, not just casually, job hunting.

Ethan’s support staff has started. She comes on Tuesdays to work on independence skills and Thursdays to take Ethan out into the community. So I need to make sure that he has something to actually DO on Thursdays. So I’m adding that to my research time.

My mom is going downhill at a more rapid rate than previously. She’s 91. Thankfully, we have an aid that I am friends with and she keeps my sister and me up to date on how things are going.

So, yeah. There’s just a lot going on. And a lot of it is of the more challenging nature of things, as opposed to the happy/excited side of things.

Where Things Stand

I haven’t done this since 2019 so yeah, it’s a little overdue!

Getting Healthy: The journey continues. I’m still consistently strength training three times a week. Still eating protein-forward and only complex carbs (except mini chocolate chips in my Greek yogurt!). One of the ladies in my Bent on Better class approached me this morning (our paths don’t often cross) and asked if I was losing weight. I said yes, but more losing fat and gaining muscle. She said she had really noticed it. People, I REALLY needed that today!

Education: One PT college, one just applied to a local community college for the fall, one medically-withdrew from the semester and one finishing up his final “extra year” at Overbrook because of his IEP and COVID. So, all over the place!

Finances: Doing ok. We have been very blessed with Jim having a very steady, stable job during both COVID and this crazy economy and my PT job is filling in the cracks where needed.

Spirit: Um, well…um…Not much of a thing in my life at this moment, if I’m honest. Left organized religion about 6 months into COVID and that’s it. Hubby joined a church in GA (attends virtually, obviously!) that is pastored by a very, very dear friend of ours. I’m just not there at this time. I’m not saying “never” about church, but I’m definitely saying “not now”.

Family: I have two kids moving back home full time in May and June. I am not exactly thrilled by this. The kids are now 20 and 21 (on their way to 22) and I’m starting to get antsy that they are just never going to be independent in such a way that they actually move out and live on their own. Jim and I are chugging along, although I love working out with him three times each week and it’s been great for us.

Couple of Milestones

First and, most importantly, my husband joined me working out this morning. I’ve been doing this for six months. Faithfully. Not nagging, but showing just how much I loved it and how much of a difference it was making in my life. Six months and now I get to work out at least once a week with my husband. I LOVE THAT!

Secondly, in five days it will have been SIX MONTHS. I just did the InBody thing and I have lost 18 pounds of fat in that time. EIGHTEEN POUNDS OF FAT. When I did my first InBody, it measured me as having 55 lbs of my weight being fat. Now it is 37. I have gained water weight. I have gained lean muscle. But the VAST majority of the change that my body has seen has been getting rid of that fat. In a healthy, slow, sustainable way.

I finally bit the bullet and bought a size 12 in jeans. I have worn 14s for a long time. Like, a LONG time. But they are really baggy. I didn’t want to buy a 12 and have it be too tight so I waited. And when I bought them, they FIT. They fit WELL. That was such a boost to my ego! My tops are pretty much still the same, but at least my stomach and tushy are changing!

I bench pressed 60 lbs for the first time two nights ago. I had done 50 just a few weeks ago, so doing the 60 was, WHOOEE, HARD!! But so satisfying!

Catie got a job. Part time, cleaning, but a JOB. Laura got another job, being a companion to another elderly lady and helping her. Yes, she’s really struggling at school, but I’ll take the job part.

I don’t believe in “jinxing”, but I also hesitate to say things are going well, but honestly, things are going well right now.

There Is Too Much, Let Me Sum Up

(In case you missed it, that’s a quote from Princess Bride)

I don’t even know where to start. Honestly. The last time I posted was October of 2021. It’s now August of 2022. I had four kids living away in some sort of schooling.

All three of the college kids medically withdrew from their schools–for very different reasons. One is completely done (at least for the foreseeable future) with college and is starting a full time job. Two are going back to college part time and I’m crossing my fingers on full time for the Spring semester.

Thanks to the rare wisdom of the Pennsylvania state congress and senate who passed an act allowing special needs kids to attend another year of school even though they were 21, Ethan will be having another year at Overbrook School for the Blind.

I’m still working part time and still liking it. It’s close to home, flexible and I mostly like my coworkers, so it’s good! I’m paying off student loans (the kids, not mine), so that’s great.

Jim got a promotion and is now a manager. That’s been quite of an adjustment, but he’s definitely growing into the role and I’m super proud of him.

Our planned kitchen reno was put off yet another year due to supply chain issues, so we had the house painted instead. And Jim bought a motorcycle–a Honda Goldwing for you motorcycle aficionados. He has a Harley, but it’s just too small for his 6’2″ frame. The Goldwing is HUGE (at least to me!) and is much better for him.

In health news, I finally (FINALLY) got bloodwork done and saw my endocrinologist. Uh oh. Elevated cholesterol, triglycerides, blood sugar and an A1C that is now in the diabetes zone instead of pre-diabetes. Stupid Freaking COVID. I’m eating better, meeting with a nutritionist in a few weeks and having started working out at Bent on Better three days a week. It’s FREAKING HARD but I really, actually kinda love it. I know!! WHO KNEW?? I see my endocrinologist the Monday after Thanksgiving, so I have a few months to show that I’m really working at making things better. I’m committed and really, really ready for this.

Thanks for catching up. I checked in today and couldn’t believe that people are still finding me and reading. I promise to do better and post more now that the crazy-overdue catch up is done!

The Sandwich Generation

Life in Coronaville continues. Jim is still employed, I’m still mostly not (before I worked 20 hours per week. Last two weeks I worked five hours total). Still, we do not NEED my salary, so I can continue to be thankful for that mercy as well.

In the midst of everything, my sister and I find ourselves starting to need to step up with our parents. My brother lives many hours away (HOURS AND HOURS), where my sister and I live about 10-15 minutes each from our parents.

My dad is 88 and my mom is 87. They have been blessed, for the most part, with good physical and mental health. A few years ago my dad had a kidney removed and he never really went back to his “old self”. Last year my mother had a hip replacement. and that took quite a toll on her as well. My sister is a few years older than me and all four of her children are grown and out of the house. She’s even a grandmother to one adorable grandson and one unknown-gender-grandchild on the way. I, obviously, am at quite a different stage of life with four still at home, although two in college this fall and another one fall of 2021. So much change coming, but not here yet.

My mother has asthma to the extent that she uses nebulizer-infused medication three to four times each day. She has not left their yard since mid-March. My father, while increasingly frail, has an independent streak a mile long, but is currently experiencing issues with his eyesight. Which necessitates my sister and me being more involved than we had been. And seeing more clearly what has changed.

As of now, I’m doing the grocery side of things–taking my dad out to their main store (he refuses to let me do it for him outright), and running to get things from other stores if they want. My sister is doing the medical stuff–taking Dad to his eye doctor appointments–even into Wills Eye in Philadelphia, which for Dad was a BIG DEAL.

A few things we’ve noticed: 1. Their world has shrunk. Philadelphia may have well been the moon for all he felt comfortable going there. Even before Corona, they mostly stay within their town and the route to and from church. That’s it. My sister lives literally SEVEN miles away (I’m six) and they feel like visiting her is kind of difficult. To get to my house from theirs they mostly stay on the same road, with just a couple of turns, so they are more willing to come my way.

2. Housekeeping is falling by the wayside. Like A LOT. They just don’t SEE the dirt (or smell it) anymore. We went over a couple of weeks ago and worked on a few main areas that they hang out in and will need to go back and help. We are working up to the idea of talking Dad into a weekly or bi-weekly cleaning service.

3. For a long time they’ve been fairly stable. They’ve had surgeries and issues over the years, but they were dips in the road. The road is starting to head downward now. They are forgetting things–mom will tell me the same story twice in one conversation. Dad will swear something happened or didn’t happen, but just not remember. A few months ago, when I went over to drive him to the store for the first time and noticed that he wasn’t just older, he was old. He looked frail. It was hard to see.

I finally called their pastor of more than 30 years. We spoke for a good bit, and he has been experiencing the same thing with his wife’s parents. He has been seeing the same things that we are seeing, although obviously not recently because of Corona. He encouraged me, which was needed, and I brought him into the loop of everything, which was also needed.

So I’m left with the question: How does one parent the parent when the parent doesn’t want or see the need for it?

Waving From Quarantine

Hi to all my people! A “I hope you are staying healthy and sane” welcome to my little corner of the internet.

We’re….doing ok. Bennett works at Wawa, which is a convenience store/gas station and is considered essential-to-life. So he goes out many times per week and works many hours, interacting with his co-workers and strangers. I feel like if any of us is going to get it, it will be him.

Ethan has literally not left our home since March 13th. We’ve had a lot of yucky weather, and even on the nice days he isn’t the kind of kid that just wants to sit outside. But the next time we have a nice day, which please God be soon, I am forcing him outside to take a short walk and get some natural vitamin D! His teacher emails him lessons each day and he listens to the occasional zoom room lesson on social skills.

Laura and Catie are both doing virtual school. Laura has her college bedroom all set up in the basement. If the door is closed school is in session and we are to leave her alone. So far, it’s mostly working. Catie’s 3rd marking period ends tomorrow. And her school is still having spring break, which I SO DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Jim is working from home full time. He has his office in the garage and we’ve mostly gotten used to it.

I’m…home. *shrug*. I check my work email because I can, and respond where I need to. I’ve gone in once to place some orders (only seeing my boss and one other coworker and we kept well away from each other). I’m not going in this week at all. I grocery shop, and drive Bennett to work, and have been to my allergist appointments (weekly) and to Home Depot a couple of times. I’m going a little stir crazy from bingeing NCIS again and playing computer games and reading, but I’m good. It’s good. We’re good.

Mostly.

Our dearest friends from our old neighborhood lost the husband’s father today from Coronavirus. That’s the first death that’s actually touched someone I know. This virus has been so removed from our everyday lives–we don’t see the deaths (or even really hear about them). This family can’t have much of a funeral, or a memorial service. They have to wait to have their closure.

Please stay safe and healthy. Wash your hands, practice physical distancing and pray. Pray hard.

Timing is Everything

Point A) My husband’s company gives out bonuses. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but each of the six years he’s been there he’s received something. This year was a good year.

Point B) As a family we have chosen to tithe. Sometimes it’s been hard–sometimes it’s not happened, but overall we give back to the Lord as He has blessed us. And as much as we argue about all sorts of different stupid things, we pretty much agree about our giving amounts.

Point C) We are tithing on the bonus, but weren’t sure where it should go to. God usually–not ALWAYS–but usually makes it apparent where our gift should go, so we decided to wait and see.

Point D) Laura originally had planned on doing a summer mission trip with Campus Crusade for Christ (now called Cru) and that’s what we were kind of thinking, but then their whole summer missions program got canceled this year due to Corona.

Point E) As of today, the governor closed all businesses that weren’t “life sustaining” (Jim’s job is part of that type of company, so we are good). People are going to really start struggling.

As I sat at my desk just now, a thought popped into my head that I knew immediately was the right choice. “Hey Jim! How about we give our tithe to the Chester County Food Bank?” He agreed right away.

Timing is everything.

Getting Whiplash Over Here

So, unless you’ve been living under a rock, or maybe on a spiritual retreat in the deepest part of the Amazon, you’ve heard of Coronavirus. In fact, if you are anything like me, you’re probably UP TO HERE with hearing about it! Like many, many families, we have been impacted by it.

1. Laura is home from West Chester University. She came home for her scheduled spring break and then they extended it until March 30, when she will restart all her classes, except everything will be cyber. You know, like the past 6 years of her schooling.
2. Jim’s company is doing mandatory work-from-home Fridays, except his boss warned him that he might not be working in the building as of Monday either. Thankfully, Jim’s job is one that can be done from home (unlike mine).
3. Our area stores are out of TP. And water. And OJ. It’s stupid, y’all.

So, yeah. Wash your hands (sing the Happy Birthday song 2x and you’ll be good) and stay sane! And healthy.