I am a sex addict.
I’ve been pretty open about this. Just look on the category list to the right and you’ll see one labeled “Addiction” and read all about it. But something I’ve never, to my knowledge, done is actually talk about it WHILE I”M IN THE MIDST OF IT. Which is where I am.
Normally–most of the time–it’s on the back burner. I struggle more when I ovulate, or when I just finish my period. Or when I have unexpected unscheduled free time (although that doesn’t really happen much anymore!). For a while now I’ve been eschewing romance novels because they tend to be gateway drugs. I was doing so fine that I thought, hey, let’s see if I can handle them again.
I’ve been reading what Amazon calls erotica for about a week now. And how weird does that look in print? It’s making me rethink publishing this. Erotica is a polite, tidy word to describe pornography in print form. Books such that, if they were made into movies, would carry an X rating.
I’m functioning as a wife and mom. Housework is getting done. Kids are being fed. But any “free” time I have is taken now. I found a loophole around my accountability software. It’s called my smartphone. Funny, it has unsupervised internet on it. And Amazon has this thing called Kindle for Android, which makes is phenomenally easy to download books and no one the wiser. Which is why I have the stupid software on my PC because I really cannot handle unsupervised internet. I mean, I don’t even have the passwords for the kids’ PC’s. Seriously. It’s that bad.
When I’ve fallen in the past, guilt has drawn me back to God. But God and I haven’t been very close for, like, a long time now. A LONG time. And the guilt is negligible. As is the desire to stop.
Not sure what else to say, but you know, I wanted to be honest and show you all, this is where I can go. This is how bad it can get. And yes, my accountability partner knows. Which also, in the past, would have helped me get back on track. But not this time. At least, not yet. I meet with her in a week. We’ll see where I am then.
A few weeks ago I posted about firsts, but Lasts is much more fitting for this week. I have three different schools (and school districts!) for our children. (Next year it goes down to 2). Thusly, I have scattered last days. Bennett and Laura’s cyber school ended on Tuesday. Ethan’s final day will be next Wednesday. Today, however, marks Catie’s last day. Her final day as a 5th grader. Her final day as an elementary school student. Her final day as a public school student (although charter schools are public schools, too, but they are a little different). It’s a big milestone, considering we have had elementary school as part of our life for 8 years now. I look at those precious kindergartners and can NOT believe that my children were that small–or innocent.
Cyber school, while having its ups and downs and frustrations, has been the right choice so far for Bennett and Laura. I’m hoping that the half-school-and-half-home approach for this coming year for Catie will also be the right choice. We take everything one year at a time around here. Catie is a little upset that she won’t be with her friends next year, but we really wanted to give her what we considered to be the best opportunity for her, and that ended up being USP (University Scholars Program) at PALCS.
Tonight she “graduates”, with a ceremony and everything, followed by a dance. She’ll be all dressed up and hopefully create some wonderful memories. And we’ll mark this Last as fairly important along the Milestone Way.
Until this school year, when I became a home facilitator for cyber school, I was a professional organizer. I helped people declutter, organize and set up systems to help keep them organized. This most likely grew out of being a mom to four kids under 2, including three medically-needy triplets, and the absolute necessity of being hyper organized or just outright dying from the overwhelming amount of details to keep track of.
Tonight I walked into the schoolroom to find this on my daughter’s desk. I was tickled. We had bought it at a yard sale last fall with the idea of using it for cyber school. It never became necessary and has since been in a closet, waiting to see if 8th grade required it. Catie adopted it for another reason: the final countdown of elementary school.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!