Posted in Health, Me

The Change

Those two words deserve to be in capitals. Really. Perimenopause sounds so…unassuming. So not a big deal. The Change, though, sounds much more descriptive, though both are true. I’ve been in perimenopause for maybe two years? Ish? Not sure when it started, although it’s been more than a year. My cycle is still very regular (for me, which equals roughly every 6 weeks). I don’t typically get much in the way of hot flashes, thank goodness. But moodiness? Oh my yes. It’s like I have PMS all the time. And when I actually DO get PMS I’m biting everyone’s head off. And weepiness? It literally just occurred to me yesterday that the weepiness I’ve been dealing with for the past few months might not actually only be about being sad because the kids are getting older and doing so many milestones.

I was reading a book–a novel!–and read a paragraph that was sad.  And found real tears in my eyes. And though to google “perimenopause and weepiness” and BOOM. Hello other people going through it! I haven’t been like this since I was pregnant, which was a long, long time ago. I’m not a cryer by nature, except for videos of soldiers coming home and adult children telling their families they are pregnant. But lately commercials, TV shows, watching my kids…you name it and I’m in tears. Which believe me, makes me feel stupid. Which yeah, I know I need to get over.

I’m just grateful I can put a name to this moodiness and that at some point it will actually be done once I’m in menopause. Right? Or does this actually continue? Readers who have gone through it please comment!

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Posted in Kids, Me, Vacation

We Made It

Whew! The hardest academic year–by far!–is finally finished. Bennett and Laura are now seniors (Ahhh!), Ethan is a junior and Catie is a sophomore. While the greater part of me is sad, there’s a tiny part that wonders just what this upcoming year will bring. What will I be typing here next June (through a heavy veil of tears, I’m sure!). What they will experience and feel as they come to the end of high school. I’ll let you know in 12 months–we’ll meet back here, ok? 🙂

In the meantime, we have a small breather of a few weeks for them. Physical therapy for my back continues–some days very well and some days (like today) slowly and painfully. We meet with our lawyer on Monday to start our wills and special needs trust. Trying to made decisions with 60+ years in the future for Ethan is somewhat daunting. I hope and pray that we are able to fund that trust and that it is enough. A few dentist appointments, med checks with the psychiatrist, and bloodwork and endocrinologist–well, there goes June.

Ethan leaves on June 30th for his summer camp, comes back on the 7th and then leaves on the 8th for his 4-week-long summer program for the visually impaired. Then Laura leaves on the 14th for Penn State for her 3-week-long summer program for the visually impaired. They both come back on the 3rd of August and then we leave on the 9th for Michigan. Wheee! There goes the summer!

I’ll do my best to post–I’m not that great over the summer, but I’ll try. I know, I know, “Do or do not, there is no try.” But still, I will.

 

 

Posted in House, Kids, Me

Mayhem

SCREECH! It’s MAY!!! The busiest month of the year–even beating December, and that’s saying something y’all! (The title of this post is courtesy my friend Julie, who named it such and I’ve now adopted it. Thanks Julie!)

I’m looking at my calendar that hangs on the wall to the left of me at my desk. With the exception of the 20th and the 27th, EVERY SINGLE DAY has something written down in their date square. And that’s just the stuff that has been scheduled ahead of time. That doesn’t include regular school carpooling and things that will crop up as the month unfolds further.

Breathe. Breathe. In. Out. Every year I get here and every year I wonder how I will get through this month. And then I think about next year being senior year for two of my kids and start to flutter in panic, and then I stamp it down because “sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof”, which is a beautiful King James version of saying “STOP WORRYING ABOUT NEXT YEAR YOU NINNY!”

I started back to PT on Monday and go again tomorrow. I’m definitely starting right back at the beginning. The shots did a little bit–I’m more aware of my back in a general sense and it only spikes up a bit when I’ve been walking or standing for a long time.

In house news, well, we’re the owners of a brand new dishwasher and a brand new pipe going from the water main into our house. Neither of which were planned or expected, but this is why we have an emergency fund!

I’m falling asleep at the keyboard (I’ve had to retype this sentence because my fingers are forgetting how to spell and type correctly!), so even though it’s not even 10, I’m heading to bed. Night, y’all!

Posted in Me

For Today

FOR TODAY April 14, 2018

Outside my window… Spring is finally here! Green grass, open windows (for today) and sunshine! 70s!

I am thinking… Too much. Too many details about health and school and college and TOO MUCH

I am thankful… that I have such a wonderful husband.

In the kitchen… Dinner tonight is sloppy joes. Which ½ of the family will eat and the other half will turn their noses up at. Whatever!

I am wearing… Pajamas. I had a rotten night of sleep and got up late. I’ll change into proper clothes soon.

I am creating… profiles on scholarship sites for Bennett and Laura. A friend warned me that scholarship searching is a part time job in itself. I’m starting to agree.

I am going… to our storage shed today to grab any breakables before we clean it out next weekend.

I am wondering… how awful the shots in my SI joints are going to be.

I am reading… Better Than New by Nicole Curtis (Rehab Addict)

I am hoping… to successfully get through the next 8 weeks of school with the kids.

I am looking forward to… seeing Avengers Infinity War in May.

I am hearing…Birdsong through the open windows. It’s a lovely sound!

Around the house… We organized the master bedroom closet finally. That looks great now. I just need to buy a shoe rack thingy so the shoes aren’t cluttering up the floor. And I think we might need to get a new dishwasher, but I haven’t broken the news to Jim yet.

I am pondering… all the changes that will happen in the next 1.5 years. And it makes me a little sick to my stomach and more than a little sad. How in the world did I get to have Juniors?

One of my favorite things… Bags of hard boiled eggs. Seriously! 10 eggs, hard boiled and no shells. So easy to grab for a quick snack or sandwich. We go through about 2 bags a week of them!

A few plans for the rest of the week… Small storage unit run today (and Catie working), church tomorrow, Monday coffee with a friend, Tuesday breakfast with old co-workers from when I was in college, spine injection on Thursday and emptying out the storage unit next Sunday.

 

 

Posted in House, Me

Where Things Stand

Physically: I am still dealing with daily back pain. I meet with the orthopedist on Tuesday, but I don’t expect any results from that. I expect further testing will be needed. Otherwise, I’m working with a dietician and am on a new medicine for my hyperinsulinemia (Riomet). So far, so good, although it’s a liquid and tastes like the third ring of hell.

Mentally: I’m getting weary, I think that’s the word. Weary of fighting with the kids over school. Weary of money stuff. Weary of worries.

Financially: Jim’s bonus comes next week, and totally not kidding, it will pay off our credit card and theoretically cover the rest of the first phase of home improvements, plus the visit to the lawyer to do all the necessary lawyer stuff that we need to do. There’s still so much to be done on the house, but the money done run out!

Addiction: Hmmm…not on the back burner. Not boiling away on the front, either, but I’d rather it comfortably be on that back burner, forgotten and not important. I think I’ll have to check myself and see what all is going on–maybe it’s that weary thing mentioned above.

Family: The teenagers are being challenging, all four in their own individual ways. Summer plans are in place for the two visually impaired to live away from home for the first time and work on independence skills at two different programs. This will be GOOD, but oh, it is so hard! Jim and I just planned an anniversary trip (for October!) and are planning our vacation to Michigan (last family trip there? Maybe?)

House: We still have a storage unit, but I think that’s going to always be there as long as we are here. Jim’s garage greatly downsized when we moved, and there’s just not enough room for two cars and a shop. I think the current plan is to get a storage unit closer to our house, put one of the cars in it, and transfer the shop from the storage unit to the garage.  The electricians are almost finished as of today (Phase 1), and we have pot lights in our very dark family room and laundry room. Up next is the insulation (which this house is seriously lacking).

I think right now it’s just a matter of keeping the balls all up in the air at the same time. My mantra is “it’s just a season, it’s just a season”. Right?

Posted in Health, Me

In Which I Practice Self-Care

There’s a sort of movement going on right now about self-care–bubble baths, glasses of wine, “Me time” etc. f you want to practice it, you go right ahead. But I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about the actual caring of myself–my body, my pain, my self-worth, even my darn teeth.

See, as all of you know, 2017 was, let’s just say a bit of a whirlwind. And there were certain things that HAD TO BE DEALT WITH. LIKE RIGHT NOW.

And I wasn’t one of them.

Oh yes, I absolutely blame myself. My husband is not going to nag me to go to the dentist. Or ask about my nutritional choices. He would view those things as my responsibility–rightly so–and leave them up to me.

But hey, it’s 2018! And I’m in pain. ALL THE TIME. And my teeth haven’t been looked at in…um….well over 18 months. And I stopped taking the medicine I need to take. And I’m eating crap and sugar way too much. And if you look up “sedentary” in the dictionary, well, there’s my picture!

So on the 31st I meet with my new dentist. Feb 1st I see a dietician. I started eating better (or at least paying attention to my choices!) yesterday and mostly recorded those choices in My Fitness Pal (app). I also, because of those good choices, took my meds (which HATE high fat choices and make me pay very quickly). I see my endocrinologist Feb 21st and a nurse practitioner in my new doctor’s office this Friday where I will talk about my back and my chest. My back is the everyday of my life pain thing. My chest….

Here’s the self-worth/happy with myself part. I’m 5′ 1.5″. I weight…well, a lot more than I should, but I’m not rotund. I’m also a 38G. Yes, a G. Such a great letter of the alphabet, but describes a part of my body that I’ve been very unhappy with for many, many, MANY years. I’d like to find out if insurance would cover a breast reduction surgery. If they would, then it’s going to become a conversation between Jim and me. If they won’t, well, I guess we’re stuck because that’s something like $12,000 and that’s not something we have just laying around. I guess I go to counseling to make myself happy with my body?

And oh, how difficult it is to preach “love your body” to my daughters while I’m so dissatisfied with mine!

So there you have it. Me. Aching, overweight, unhealthy me. We’ll see what 2018 holds!

Posted in House, Me

Lightbulb Moment

2017 was CRRRRRRAZY. It was a lot of work, worry and boxes–between getting the house ready to sell, selling the house, trying to find a place to live, moving into the apartment, finding this house, waiting for this house, moving into this house, unpacking in this house…..it just never ended.

Except now it has. With the exception of the basement that needs organization, the remaining drive-up storage shed of stuff that will mostly go in the basement (but not until it is WAY warmer) and the friend who is bringing over our shed stuff (lawn mower, snow blower etc) this weekend, we’re pretty much good to go. The house is, honestly, unpacked. (We worked very hard in December!)

So here we are. There will always be a “to do” list–that’s just the nature of home ownership. Ours is a bit long right now because of all the things that need to be dealt with fairly quickly, but still, the way I put it to Jim the other day feels right:

It’s figuring out what life looks like and how we live it here.

The crazy journey is done. We finally got off the merry-go-round. Now, it’s just LIFE. Making friends, making memories and hopefully finding happiness here.

So many people are picking a work for the year. It took me a bit, but I came up with one this morning:

ENGAGED

2017 I was utterly focused in our lives. I had no extra energy or desire to be outward focused or bandwidth to be engaged in anything other than us.

2018 is different. Living so much closer allows for involvement. My initial reaction is always to say “NO!” to almost everything. But I’m fighting that and rethinking it. Yes, I actually CAN help with the art show–we live really close now, so it’s not a horrible burden. You want to stay after school? Sure! Go ahead! I’m only 10 minutes away now, so it doesn’t matter. You want to get involved in a school program? Ok! We’re only 7 minutes from there, so sure!

It’s weird. But GOOD weird!

Happy 2018 everyone! Thanks for sticking around for the past year. I can’t wait to see what this one has in store for us!