Hi Tina, I’m abc! Hi Tina, I’m fgh! Hi Tina, I’m pdq!
“My name is xxx.”
“Thanks for sharing, xxx.”
It was slightly cliched. But everyone was incredibly nice. There are two Celebrate Recovery meetings near me. I attended the Friday night one (four minutes from home) and will try the Wednesday night one next week (10 minutes from home).
There was, tonight at least, no specific group for women with SA, so I sat in one for codependency. They would have let me skip the sharing part, but I felt safe enough to say what’s been going on in my life this week.
Suckage, as an online friend puts it.
I’m now checking in with my pastor’s wife. She and I talked about the whole ugly saga on Tuesday. I talked to the pastor first–yes, that was suckage as well. I cried. It was hard. The pastor’s wife was easier. I’ve used the phrase “I’m a sex addict” m0re times this week than I have in the past five years. Literally.
I think I finally came to that point tonight. Here. Now.
1. Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. (Yup. I’m not God.)
2. Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover. (This one was harder. I know He has the power to help me recover. But coming to the place where I believe I matter to God, after these past months, was and is hard. I had to remind myself that no matter how they act, I love my children. Unconditionally. If I am called a Child of God, then He must view me the same way) (See, that Identity theme is still a big deal to me!)
3, Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. (And here’s where I am RIGHT THIS SECOND. This is the hard part. committing my life and will to God, ergo, not MY control. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t going so well!)
So I’ll be concentrating on Step 3 for the next bit. I know I’ve been spotty about posting. I’m making no guarantees, either. I’ve been in recovery long enough to know that there is a good place up ahead. There is healthy choices and no “just giving in”, but I’ve also been around the block long enough to know it’s going to take time, effort, and some pain.
So enough about me, how’s things with you, anyway?