For those of you who read this with any kind of regularity, you should have noticed by now that I am a bunch of different people stuck in one skin. There’s the deep-thinker, evidenced by my last post. Then there’s the sarcastic one, which is my regular persona. I struggle with it, honestly. I WANT to be sincere and kind and soft-spoken. What usually comes out in both my thoughts and out of my mouth is quite a bit less than that. Then there’s the griper, who complains about the kids, or my home, or the state of the world, or whatever happens to cross my mind.
All that to say, poor Jim is stuck with all of me! As are the kids. I’m a work in progress, as is everyone. Some days I do better, some days I don’t care and end up making other people (aka my family) miserable. I’d like to do less of the latter. Pastor Noah challenged us in Sunday school on Sunday about growth and the evidence thereof. The person I am versus the one that I and God want me to become.
I read an amazingly profound statement last night in a fiction book. Lisa Samson, who is a terrific writer–one of my top three or four of all time–said in her book Straight Up, “God wants us to live fulfilled and joyful. He knows how difficult the human existence can be. But our joy depends on doing what it is He’s made us to do. It’s never just for joy’s sake. Always keep in mind the bigger picture.”
That one sentence made me stop reading the book for a bit and just think. Other than being a mother to my children and a wife to Jim, I don’t know what it is He’s made me to do. I’ve lived that life for the past 7 years. All of a sudden, ok, not all of a sudden, but it sure seems that way, I’ll be obligated to do something else with a lot of my time. Once September starts I have HUGE gaping holes of time. Do I work? If I do, do I do it for someone else? Do I try and make a go of it with my own company? If I don’t work for money, which I do miss!, what else do I do? I sort of feel like I should volunteer–maybe at the Parkesburg Food Pantry. And then there’s the idea of working out at something like Curves or the YMCA, both of which require money.
I’m at a crossroads. And I honestly have no clue which way to go. That’s freaking me out.