Posted in Addiction

Thumb Sucking Security Blankety Blank Blank

We’re going to put our house in the market this year. I’ve mentioned it a time or two.  It’s a LOT of work. And change. And a lot of unknowns.

  1. Will someone actually want our house?
  2. How will we swing school/selling/buying/dogs all at the same time?
  3. Will we be able to find a home that
    1. Works for our needs?
    2. Is where we want it to be?
    3. Is affordable?

I’m nervous. And a little daunted by all that needs to be done in our home, not to mention all the packing and going through of STUFF (because we have a lot of it).

And what do I do when life becomes somewhat difficult for me to cope with because I’m stressed and overwhelmed?

Yes, folks, let’s hear it for my addiction.


I didn’t want to “be good”. I didn’t want to stop. Easter morning, I grabbed my phone and MADE MYSELF text my accountability partner and tell her. Which I hadn’t done for more than two weeks before because if I did, I knew I would have to stop. And it felt too good to wallow in it.

Double ugh.

Easter is about renewal, resurrection, Jesus’ winning over death and sin and CRAP. Our awful, ugly CRAP.

I deleted apps off the phone, deleted books that I had downloaded–that’s the mostly-easy part. (yeah, mostly because it’s just so darn comfy in my addiction and I really DON’T want to delete them). But the brain, well….that crap is now in there. Some of it will be forgotten. Some will, unfortunately, stay there forever.

Sigh. No, really, I just sighed. I texted my AP with “Will I ever stop struggling with this? Will I ever stop running to it when life gets difficult?” With more than 22 years in recovery, one would hope it would be easier. But no, no it’s not.

“How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure. That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure.”


Posted in Health, Kids


I wrote that title with a certain anxiousness, not to be silly. That word has wormed and weaseled and made its way into our home, our lives, our days and our nights and our schedule.

It’s not something I am well-acquainted with. At all. And yet, I am learning.

Laura has general anxiety, which is currently being treated with both counseling (2x/week) and meds. The meds made an amazing difference. For the most part, she is even-keeled again and even the storm a few weeks back didn’t reduce her to worrying that the house was going to fall down and we were going to die. And I say that without a trace of mockery. That was where her brain went. All. The. Time.

Catie does NOT have general anxiety. She does, however, get panic attacks. Last night was another one, which is what prompted this post. She just started counseling and has her first medication meeting later this month with a psychiatrist. Her medicine journey will be different from Laura’s–she can take pills (something Laura can’t do), she’s younger (so we have to be a little more careful about side effects) and she’s doesn’t have the general anxiety. I’m curious as to what he’s going to try first.

When my kids were tiny and in the NICU and I was utterly powerless to do anything for them other than pray and cry, it was a very helpless feeling. As a parent one wants to HELP and FIX and MAKE IT BETTER! Last night, watching Catie shake and try to use breathing to calm herself down and being utterly unable to do anything for her other than be there with it, again, there is that helpless feeling. We have “rescue meds” in the house for if and when Laura would need them. Catie took one last night. I know, I know, but you know what, you would have done the same thing. She finally slept. I went to bed around midnight with her permission, there to pray and hope for the meds to kick in. When she wakes up this morning I’ll ask about what happened after I left.

I can only hope and pray that Catie’s doctor quickly finds the right meds and dose and that she is able to learn how to cope with the attacks. And maybe even not get them anymore. And that Laura’s meds continue to do their job.

Posted in House, House Hunting

Boxes Galore

My house is currently overrun with boxes. Empty boxes. Half-full boxes. Boxes full, labeled and ready to go to the storage unit. We have two boxes ready to go to the Goodwill as well, with stuff surrounding them that won’t fit. We’ve gotten rid of two smaller “student” desks and replaced them with an Ikea table top that Catie and Ethan will share. Yesterday we cleared and cleaned out the school room (what I frequently call The Pit of Despair) and made a trip to the storage unit. and it’s mostly ready for drywall repair and paint.

This weekend wasn’t a baby step, it was a couple of hops with a few skips in there too. Progress!

Posted in House, House Hunting

Moving Slowly is Still Moving

It seems to be a theme with our family. Slow progress. SLLLLLOOOOWWWW progress. But it’s still progress.

We got a storage unit (my first time ever, it was weirdly exciting to dump boxes into it). We’ve packed up a LOT of books (and still have a lot to go). We hired a painter, who starts today, to paint walls and trim in most of the house. We’ve made a list of what we think needs to be done and hopefully, weather willing, will start work on the front deck this weekend (the railings go like \  /   instead of like I I. Yeah, it looks pretty awful when you pull up.

I’m more than a little overwhelmed. Half of me is really NOT wanting to do this, although the rational other half is ready and wants to just GET THIS OVER WITH.

I’m scared that no one will want our house. That we will have done all this work and have it on the market and no one will want it and then we’ll take it off in the fall and be in the same place.

I’m scared that even if we sell, we won’t find a house that works for us. Our situation is a little different with doing cyber school and having classic cars–we need room for a school room and we need more than a 2 car garage (or a 2 car with a workshop attached). This is not common in houses in our area.

And I just don’t get how our budget is more than $200,000 MORE than when we last house hunted (17 years ago) and we are still having problems finding homes in our price range!

THAT’S frustrating!

So, to sum up, we’re crawling slowly towards selling. But we’re still moving foward.