Posted in Addiction, Blog

Stigma, Shame and opening up

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been reading another blog. Obsessively. Voraciously. is amazing. Yes, the language she uses is not the language I choose to use, but I love her insight as well as her openness about her disease. She struggles with depression. Big time. In reading her archives I’m up to Sept 2004, where she has just come out of an in-patient facility and is on massive amounts of drugs. She is right out there with everything, willing to share her personal hell. That humbles me. Depression is one of those diseases that a lot of people just don’t “get”. “get over it”. They will ream you out for taking drugs for it, because shouldn’t the Lord be enough? Cut me a break. It’s a disease, just like diabetes. I don’t see people going without their insulin because the Lord is enough….

Well, this actually isn’t about depression. But it is about a disease. An addiction. One that I have struggled with for literally decades now. I have a sex addiction. Yup. I do.

When I was young, and I do mean YOUNG, I hung out with one girl and a bunch of guys. That’s what there was in my neighborhood. The guys were much more adventurous than the girl, and she was often at ballet. On one (or more) of their adventures, they came back with a stash of pornography that I could probably describe to you 30 some odd years later. This was not soft-core porn with a pretty gal in her altogether lying on some rock. This was hard core porn. And it messed me up for LIFE. It utterly changed my childhood–took all that innocence and threw it quickly away.

As a teenager and into my 20’s I knew I was different, but didn’t know what to do with it. As a Christian, I betrayed all that I knew was right time and again, repenting time and again, and going back to it time and again. Until 1994, when I finally admitted that I was addicted to something I didn’t know you could be addicted to. That moment, which is still very clear in my mind, was the beginning of a New Me, a New Everything. I was able to get counseling, and face so much of what I had previously been hiding. I told some people, who still loved and accepted me. What?! But if I tell people, they should be disgusted!! Nope. They loved and accepted and made it possible for me to continue in my recovery.

Which I still am. 13 years later I still make compensations for this addiction. My husband does, as well. How he got past addicted Tina and fell in love with recovering Tina I’ll never understand. Honestly. He’s an amazing guy and I’m grateful to him for loving me.

So there you have it. My deep, dark secret. Questions? Ask away. I’ll do my best to answer.

Posted in Misc.

Random Thoughts

Man, I have a sexy handsome husband!!

I looked at Bennett a few days ago and honestly could not reconcile him with the baby that got pulled out of me over 6 years ago. Who IS this blond, tall child?

Laura told her cousin Tom, 18, that he “has a piece of a beard” on him.

Given a two-pound bag of jelly belly beans for Christmas, I will feel obligated to eat said bag. Not all in one sitting, of course.

I’ve sat on my tushy for the past three days reading the archives of, a blog. I’ve been taking a break from Irresistible Revolution to read a blog. Yes, I’m more than slightly embarrassed about this.

My husband’s grandfather, Grandpa John, passed away two days ago. We’re still trying to get Ethan to understand that Grandpa John is not in the hospital anymore. ARG!

My husband, the afore-mentioned sexy hunk, turns out to be a major geek with our new vacuum. It has an indicator that tells you when the floor is still dirty and it slowly changes from red to orange to green. He has delighted going over our living room watching the light change. Over and over and over. Oi! It was our first new vacuum in 12 years.

It’s bedtime for the kids and I really need to help.

Posted in Kids, Politics

The calm in the chaos

I am sitting here in the office/den/Ethan’s bedroom. I have on iTunes, listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. In the playroom, Ethan has on I LOVE TOY TRAINS and is jumping on his mini-trampoline. In the kitchen (in what I’m going to assume is probably a mess) is Laura drawing some sort of nativity scene. Bennett is following Catie around telling her to share. Catie is carrying around a singing Santa on her white horse. I’m being quiet and allowing the TSO to just wash over me. I love that group.

Laura went to the orthopedist today and he wants her to be careful for the next 3 weeks. I think that’s a bit of stretch for a 6 year old, but we’ll see. I’m just so grateful there’s no need for a cast! All my fudge is made and boxed or baggied and ready for distribution tomorrow. Thank goodness!!

Yes, still reading Irresistible Revolution. I’ve gotten to a part where the author, Shane Claiborne, talks about war and protesting it. I’m thinking about war and how I feel about it. In our house, you’d better support the war in Iraq or my husband will think you are stupid. He may not say it, but that’s definitely how he feels. I was fine going into the war, but I really think we need to bring our people home. Whether that’s the “safe” thing to do, I have no clue. Everyone has an ax to grind with this issue. I’m addressing it as a mother, wanting her children safe. People–both American’s and Iraqi’s, are getting killed over there. If we left, would it get better?? My problem with Shane’s stance on war is, I don’t know if it is ALL war or just some. Like, what is his response to WWII? There was a clear enemy and we were defending, not doing what we are with Iraq. I’d love to grab Shane and just talk to him–I’m thinking of seeing if I can visit the Simple Way in 2008 just to see what they are doing. It’s in Philly, so I could actually do it.

Well, dinner went pretty much as I expected. We had eggs, which Catie sort of likes and sort of doesn’t. She’s been seriously annoying with eating lately. I made her finish her breakfast for lunch and then she had a full lunch as well. I’m such a mean mommy! NOT!

It’s Tom and Jerry time and then it will be bedtime. And tomorrow is the last day of school before Christmas break. Pray for me!!

Posted in Christmas, Kids, Sick

Just a typical day….

The day started off like a regular day…Ethan on the bus to school at 6:50, everyone else getting ready at the same time for their various schools, but then Bennett said that he had a sore throat for the third or fourth day in a row. I’ve been thinking it’s just post-nasal drip, but Hey! Let’s actually look in his mouth! Duh!

It was red and swollen. Poor little guy. I call the pediatrician and get a 10:30 appointment. Then Jim says that he really can’t run to the hospital to get Laura’s x-ray films because he has to work late. My first thought? “Well, why didn’t you get them before today?” my second thought “You know, I really do have more time than him. I can do it.” So the outline of the day (and the previous Christmas list items) gets changed. Laura on the bus at 8:33, Catie to preschool at 9, Bennett to ped at 10:30, pick up Rx right after, get Catie at 11:30. Go to McD’s for lunch, drive to Chester County hospital for x-rays, stop by St. Agnes’ cemetery to visit Connor (my triplets/quadruplets other brother who died about 12 hours after he was born) detour to Exton to get a drive-thru Eggnog latte from the previously mentioned Starbucks (see post below), do a pay-it-forward as mentioned on TOTALLY FUN! And finally get home!

Other than folding laundry and matching a ton of socks, the living room is now clean and I wrapped the shirts I was supposed to do yesterday. So, after taking Laura to the orthopedist tomorrow and then hopefully to school and not to get a cast (please, God, not a cast!), I’ll be playing catch up with the list. But that’s ok. I am determined not to drive myself nuts with getting the house ready. And if I buy pre-made potatoes (mashed or otherwise) for Christmas, than SO BE IT!! (but don’t tell!)

Finally, a shout out to Michelle at Not only did she leave a comment, which again tickled me to death!, but I followed her link and was updated on Julian (please see her blog), a little boy that has touched me and is now in my prayers. Along with Cadenne Hope ( So much suffering in this world. I have my own, yes, but my children are finally to the point of medical stability or in heaven suffering no more. These two precious ones are living, breathing and suffering. Please keep them in your prayers.

Posted in Misc., To Do List

A bit of everything

Ok, before I get into the nitty gritty of this post, I want to express my totally geeky delight that someone actually left me a comment!! Hi Rick, whoever you are! I’m not sure what drew you to visit, but wow, welcome to the crowd of two that read this! (and I’m probably the other one!)

Well, the holidays are upon us. That being Christmas, with all the hoopla and craziness that we make our Lord’s birthday into. I’ve mapped out this week with cleaning, letter mailing and fudge-making on top of the regular laundry, shopping, sick-child stuff, cooking etc that encompasses my life. So far, other than not doing one load of laundry today and mostly ignoring the living room, I’ve actually kept to my schedule, which included the DREADED cleaning of the kitchen floor. This is, by far, my least favorite of all in my job description of stay at home mom. I’ve recently learned the usefulness of actually GETTING DOWN ON MY KNEES and scrubbing, which I have NEVER EVER EVER done in my life. EVER. But man, the results are SO worth the work involved!

Still reading IR (see posts below) and still actively wrestling with thoughts about it and my current life. Jim agreed to check out Fair Trade coffee. I’m really hoping that Lisa Samson ( was right and that it is just as good as Starbucks. I’d love to stop giving my money to them on a regular basis. As in every week. House Blend. Or Breakfast Blend if they’re out of House. We’re going to try Saint’s Coffee ( after Christmas. They are not only fair trade, but feed children in the process. For a couple of dollars more, I think it’s worth it, but then, I’m not a coffee drinker!!!

Floyd is here keeping me company. For some reason he really likes to jump up and keep me company on my desk. Winky never does that. But she’s not a momma’s girl like Floyd is a momma’s boy. I should take a picture of him and post it. There!! Isn’t he gorgeous? Long and sleek and handsome. And isn’t my desk a mess??? Actually, given it’s normal state of “I’ll just put it here for now”…. it’s not bad. That my Christmas gift list (completed, thank you very much) under him. On the PC is a cd I want to upload into iTunes and a current eBay auction.

The kiddos are watching Dr. Seuss. It’s really time to get ready for bed. Oh joy. The nightly ritual begins, along with the nightly fighting. Ah, family-hood!!

Posted in Menu Planning Monday, To Do List

Menu planning Monday and Scheduling

Menu Planning Monday (can’t figure out how to copy that picture) from

Monday: Spaghetti and Meatballs
Tuesday: Baked chicken breasts, chicken noodles, green beans
Wednesday: Hot dogs, mac’n’cheese, carrots
Thursday: Eggs and toast and fruit (Daddy’s working late)
Friday: Pizza
Saturday: depends on whether Daddy is home
Sunday: Honey garlic pork chops, mashed potatoes, carrots

Sounds pretty good, huh? I even know next Monday (Chinese) and Tuesday (Ham for Christmas)

I mapped out a schedule for this week. Being the week before Christmas, with all the fudge, cards and presents and stuff, I really need to plan each day and what I am going to accomplish so I don’t fall behind on getting things done. Yeah, it’s the organizer in me–what can I say? I’m not crafty. But I AM organized! 😀

Posted in Me, Misc.

Favorite Day of the Week

Ahhh…it’s Friday! I know some people love Saturday and/or Sunday the most, but Friday is definitely my favorite day of the week. It’s the anticipation….the unsullied ideal still….no whiny, no crying, no fighting or pushing or shoving or yelling (that last one is me, not them!). Catie is in preschool and I have two actual hours to myself. No one but the cats is in the house with me. Peace and quiet! WooHoo!

I’m continuing to read Irresistible Revolution….so far I’m liking it. Still a little scared–I’ve been confessing to God how scared I am…how I don’t want too much change…how I’m afraid of being challenged in my inmost being….

Posted in Christian, Sick

Sick, Hurt and ER visits – Dec 11

Sick, hurt and ER visits
Current mood: contemplative

Oh My Gosh, what a time the last seven days were!! Jim home for a week sick, Laura out M, W, Th, Catie out MTWTh, Catie to the ER on Mon night for dehydration, Laura to the ER on Sunday for a bruised arm from falling from the couch….Thank GOD (and I literally mean that!) that the boys and I have somehow stayed healthy!

Just started “Irresistible Revolution”, which I’ve heard is an excellent, but incredibly convicting book. I’m a little scared, to tell you the truth. God is working in my heart and I’m willing to let Him. To a point. If it gets uncomfortable or if He asks me to do something I don’t want to do, well, then I’ll just have to have a hissy fit. That’s a joke. I hope….

I went to the laundromat with Catie today. Ummm…won’t be doing that again soon. WAYY too much money! But hey, I’m actually CAUGHT UP with laundry!

Posted in Change, Christian, Marriage, Me

Nov 14, 2007

Status Quo
Current mood: uncomfortable

Did you ever feel fed up with where you were? And yet, unable to break free from it? Or rather, unwilling? Embarrassingly unwilling.

I’ve been reading stuff lately. Books, quotes, blogs, the Bible. The Westminster shorter Catechism starts off with “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” When was the last time I enjoyed God? Glorify? I mean, I get it. My life it supposed to show the world what Jesus is like. So I follow the speed limit, don’t yell at the kids, submit to my husband instead of insisting on my own way. Is that Jesus? Ok, to some extent, yes. All those things are good things. Each of them, in their own way, has actually been a real struggle for me. But is it sacrifice? Do any of them make me really SQUIRM? Is Jesus sighing because I’m sorta getting it, but not really? I mean, is the world really different because I’m taking up room on it? Has anyone seen Jesus in me so much that it impacted their life? I mean, the one person I actually remember leading to God has since turned away and is living a life of sin.

Following God–TRULY following God is not easy. it’s downright uncomfortable and I don’t like feeling that way. Lukewarm-ness is the nice, easy way. Church, safe prayers for others, following the rules, but no inner change–now THAT’s the life I really want. It’s certainly the life I’ve been living. For so long I used the kids as an excuse. I didn’t have time. Then there was still the specter of all the unanswered questions and problems with prayer. God provided a terrific website for that. Then I read that author, Lisa Samson, and just don’t know what to do with the questions she asks. The things I’m feeling. I guilt about our lives. I KNOW my first responsibility is to my children. And I feel like only one out of the four really gets it. One, at this point, I don’t think is capable of getting it. But the other two??

And then there’s Jim. He seems to be coming around. But I still don’t feel like I can talk to him about God. Like, if he brings it up it’s ok, but I shouldn’t dare ask him for something more. like praying together. Or a bible study. Or anything that might enhance our marriage. Can you tell I’m upset? I’ve felt this way for 12 years now. I know Lauren U prayed for her husband to lead in their marriage for YEARS. Finally he did. I pray. Not a lot, but I pray.

And what about the money I got for my birthday? Is it wrong to go to a spa with it? Or should I give it away? Or WHAT? I need counseling. At least, I THINK I need counseling. There’s that “do it to glorify God” website that I checked out, and that totally irritated me b/c it seemed too simplistic. But IS it? Have I missed it so much? But what about the 12 steps? I don’t know. I really don’t. And I’m not going to do anything until God CLEARLY tells me what to do. Although today the word Glory kept popping up.