It’s been awhile since I wrote about Recovery. I had a very bad time earlier in the year (like when graduation happened) that I think finally got me down to that proverbial bottom of the barrel. (Been there before, but apparently needed to get there again!).
In all my recovery time I’ve always left a back door open. Just in case. Even though I have accountability software on my PC and phone, I had the ability to add another browser, which would bypass the accountability software completely. I justified this all sorts of ways, but yeah, it was stupid and self-defeating. So now I can’t do that. If I want to add an app–ANY APP–Jim has to type in a password. Instant roadblock if I want to “mess up” because I’m absolutely NOT willing to let my husband or accountability partner see how low I can sink.
I was so afraid of giving up romance novels. I love them so very much. But I absolutely KNOW they are the gateway that leads to the harder stuff. I start by skipping “those” scenes, but then reading them, then really reading them and then wanting more and more and…yeah. It’s the SAME exact thing every single time. So I stopped reading them. Cold turkey. I have 2 bookcases in my room with children’s books, fantasy/scifi novels, Christian stuff etc. So I started making my way through them. It was great.
This week I got a notification from Amazon that a novel I had preordered had just shipped. I had done it months ago, before all this happened. It was a romance novel–the third in a set of four–from one of my favorite authors. I approached it with trepidation. I read it, skipping what I needed to skip. You know what? It was meh. Total meh. Like when you give up sugar you stop craving it–that’s what it felt like. I’m not going to order the 4th book.
Singing praise songs has also been a life saver. A thought from a book will pop into my head (with distressing frequency). I say NO out loud and literally start singing any praise song or hymn I can think of. It works! Sin and praising God cannot exist in the same place at the same time.
So I’ve been sober and enjoying it. It’s not without its struggles–oh, happy thought that would be!–but it has so been worth it!