Posted in Addiction

Thumb Sucking Security Blankety Blank Blank

We’re going to put our house in the market this year. I’ve mentioned it a time or two.  It’s a LOT of work. And change. And a lot of unknowns.

  1. Will someone actually want our house?
  2. How will we swing school/selling/buying/dogs all at the same time?
  3. Will we be able to find a home that
    1. Works for our needs?
    2. Is where we want it to be?
    3. Is affordable?

I’m nervous. And a little daunted by all that needs to be done in our home, not to mention all the packing and going through of STUFF (because we have a lot of it).

And what do I do when life becomes somewhat difficult for me to cope with because I’m stressed and overwhelmed?

Yes, folks, let’s hear it for my addiction.

Ugh.

I didn’t want to “be good”. I didn’t want to stop. Easter morning, I grabbed my phone and MADE MYSELF text my accountability partner and tell her. Which I hadn’t done for more than two weeks before because if I did, I knew I would have to stop. And it felt too good to wallow in it.

Double ugh.

Easter is about renewal, resurrection, Jesus’ winning over death and sin and CRAP. Our awful, ugly CRAP.

I deleted apps off the phone, deleted books that I had downloaded–that’s the mostly-easy part. (yeah, mostly because it’s just so darn comfy in my addiction and I really DON’T want to delete them). But the brain, well….that crap is now in there. Some of it will be forgotten. Some will, unfortunately, stay there forever.

Sigh. No, really, I just sighed. I texted my AP with “Will I ever stop struggling with this? Will I ever stop running to it when life gets difficult?” With more than 22 years in recovery, one would hope it would be easier. But no, no it’s not.

“How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure. That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure.”

 

Advertisements
Posted in Addiction

It’s Still Hard Talking About It

Two days ago I was driving my daughter home from her med check. We see a psychiatrist once a month (this is our third visit), trying to get the right medication and dosage to help with her anxiety. And she sees a counselor once a week to talk about said anxiety, to try and help her work through it and cope with it. Both treatments are necessary at this point for her and we are hoping that the med she is on right now is the right one (our third med). As we were driving home, she picked up my phone to look at something and asked “Why don’t you have Safari?”. (Safari is the default iphone internet app)

I don’t have Safari because I use an internet app provided by Accountable 2 U, which I absolutely need.

Does my daughter need to know this? I never, EVER intended to talk about my addiction to my children. EHHHH-VER. That was my private issue, my deal, and I didn’t have to talk to anyone about it unless I chose.

BUT.

Laura is dealing with a lot of stuff this year. She confides in me after her counseling sessions and in between about her anxiety and thoughts and difficulties, of which I have no comprehension because anxiety is not something I struggle with.

I sat there in the van, driving, heart pounding and thoughts racing. Yes, it’s my private stuff and no one needs to know. That’s true. But the deeper questions is: is my addiction such a horrifying, shaming secret that I need to keep it a secret? Because, yes, I still feel that way.

I bit the bullet and started with “Did I ever talk to you about the guys I grew up with?” and went from there. She actually asked at one point something like “Is this an addiction for you?” and I said yes. We talked basically the whole way home (30+ minutes). I did not go to places I didn’t feel comfortable talking about, but the general ideas I was trying to get across were:

  1. We ALL have something. Everyone. We may hide it and try to look like we have it all together, but it’s there and it’s real.
  2. You, as my daughter, have trusted me a lot this year with your emotions and problems. I want you to know that I trust you with mine.

I cried at the end. It was REALLY difficult to talk about–even after 22 years!–and I think I view it as a step in the direction of an adult relationship with Laura. She put her hand on my shoulder and assured me she wouldn’t talk about it with anyone. I came home and told Jim that I had told her.

Life is weird. Never say never!

Posted in Addiction, God, Me, Parenting

Pulling Up The Edges of the Sticker

Awhile back I posted about Being Stuck. Addiction. God. Parenting one of my children. Those three things had me mired in a place where I just couldn’t move. Not an inch. I couldn’t seem to get out of where i was but I HATED where I was.

So I started counseling.

And put a sort of block on my cellphone. Because, people, even 20 freaking years into this recovery I still cannot handle unaccountable time on the internet.I MUST have someone looking over my shoulder. Really. MUST. For September and October and even most of November I was what I’ll call unwillingly sober. Forced because of my accountability software. Somewhere in late November something switched. Whether my brain chemicals finally caught up with the fact that hey, you’re sober! Or I’m far enough on the path towards God that it cleared my brain, but I finally WANT to be sober. If thoughts come into my brain I shoo them away instead of lovingly caress them and call them my precious. If a plot from a book floats into my thoughts, I put my thoughts onto something else. It’s GOOD people! Really GOOD.

God and I are back on speaking terms. That, too, is GOOD. We’re going to church, somewhat regularly. I’d like to make some friends there, but hopefully that will come in time. I don’t automatically blow Him off when something crosses my mind that’s difficult (i.e. Connor’s passing away). It’s good. I LIKE being on better terms with God.

The parenting thing…well…2 out of 3 ain’t bad, right? Just kidding! I’m still going to her (although taking a short break for the holiday craziness) and am still working on the parenting thing. I’m really struggling with one particular child right now–which has happened in the past and has ultimately passed–but this time it’s lasting longer and seems to be more difficult. So I’ll keep working on it…and the sobriety and the God thing and….life is work, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. Right?!

Posted in Addiction, Counseling, God, Me, Money, Parenting

State of the Blogger

We’re already almost done October. How the heck did THAT happen? I’ll be 46 in a few weeks (my children’s English teacher last year is young enough to have been my child. I’m getting OLD!).

Life has been very busy around here of late. The new school schedule, with driving to one or another child’s school each day has taken a toll on me and the house. I’m more snappy with both my husband and my children. I’m frequently overwhelmed. And shutting down because of it. My addiction, while not actively RAGING, has been on the front burner for almost this whole freaking year. And I’m sick of it. Not sick enough to stop, obviously, but sick of it nevertheless. *wry smile

I’ve been in counseling for about a month. I don’t know that I’ve seen any major changes, but it’s really nice to talk to someone about stuff that’s going on–parenting, addiction, God…all are difficulties now. She gives me homework (which Jim finds endlessly amusing). One of the things is to be more social with friends and family. Being that this is my birthday month I’ll have birthday money and am meeting with not only my mother and sister for lunch, but four other gals for lunch/dinner all on separate occasions! It’s a banner month for me, being that I can go literally months without seeing anyone outside of Jim and my next-door neighbor.  And I definitely need that adult-recharging time.

This past weekend was the annual Queen for a Day, which I love and look forward to all year. Worship time, brunch, visiting with other caregivers (moms/wives) of special needs individuals, spa things like massages, nails, foot rubs, satin hands, and a lovely tea room with a harpist and treats. I come away refreshed and feeling wonderful. And wanting more information for and about Ethan.

Financially we’re keeping our heads above water. Just. August stunk (triplet’s birthday!). September stunk (back to school). October stunk (Jim’s trip to Beaver Island, MI). November SHOULD be ok, and there will be that magical 3rd paycheck in December that will pay for Christmas. Thank goodness!

Have any of you “wandered away” from God and come back? I’ve done it before, but am not sure how to get back. Honestly. Any input from you would be welcome.

Posted in Addiction, Birth Story, Counseling, God, Kids

Stuck

Emotionally that’s how I’ve felt lately. Very, very STUCK. Whether it’s unwillingness or inability to get past these issues in my life, I don’t know. Hence counseling that starts tomorrow night.

1. 13 years and still having difficulty with my son Connor’s death. We had, I guess, miracles with the others. Why couldn’t God have made HIM a miracle too? And while I get, on some level at least, that our life here is fleeting and like the grass withers and dies and heaven is forever, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to know your son on earth instead of waiting until you die and actually go to heaven. I want him HERE. And that’s impossible. And I can’t get past it.

2. Pursuant to #1, my relationship with God is rather strained. As in, nonexistent. There is no church. There isn’t much praying. There isn’t any reading of the bible. There is some listening to Christian radio–both music and teaching. There is some willingness to talk to a friend. 

3. Pursuant to #2, Sex addiction. Yeah, that. If it wasn’t for the fact that both my PC and cell were completely monitored, I would most likely still be off in the deep end. I lost most of August to it. Not exaggerating. In a rare moment of sanity, I had Jim disable certain things on my iPhone and now I only have access to monitored internet and no book apps. And I cannot add apps. And I am not so far gone that I don’t care that Jim or my AP sees the filth that I was reading online. But it’s still there. And it still needs to be dealt with.

And I need to get UN-stuck.

Posted in 7 Quick Takes, Addiction, Counseling, Family, Recipe

7 Quick Takes Friday

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. Screech! It’s past the middle of September! How did we get here?? We’re finishing up the third week of cyber school and I’m STILL trying to get some semblance of routine with driving, home facilitating with school and housework. Oh, and laundry. I’ve had to re-wash laundry 4 times this week because I kept forgetting about it. And I can’t even blame it on the washer–it’s on the same floor I’m on practically all day (not in the basement, where I forgot about it all the time).

2. On a more serious note, I had an intake evaluation for counseling this week. Deep breath. Boy, was I nervous! I have done counseling off and on for more than 20 years for all sorts of things: family relationships, addiction, marriage, etc. However, it’s been awhile since I’ve done it. Talking about any of my issues, especially addiction, is difficult. But I had reached the point where, honestly, what I’m doing is just not working anymore. So I think a professional’s opinion and input would be rather helpful at getting me past where I’m stuck. (which I will cover in a future post, I promise!)

3. This was a banner week in my extended family. My parents celebrated their SIXTIETH wedding anniversary. SIX ZERO, people! That’s amazing! According to Google, without which I would be completely lost, it’s their Diamond anniversary. Way to Go Mom and Dad!

Also in my extended family, my sister and brother in law celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary. On the same day. I remember being so happy for my sister at her wedding. We adored (and continue to adore!) the man she chose to spend the rest of her life with. May they one day celebrate their 60th too!

4. I had a neighbor over for coffee this morning. While that doesn’t sound like much, we’ve been in the same neighborhood for 6 years or so, have children the same age and are even both believers. And this is the first time we sat down to chat. Ever. So yeah, I’m looking forward to more coffee talks with her. Women friends ROCK.

5. I made these Fish Tacos this week. YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!! One of the best things I’ve had in a long time. I love when what I make at home is restaurant-good! Mine weren’t QUITE this picturesque, but they were delicious!

6. The girls and I watched the 2nd half of Singin’ in the Rain this week. a) they both loved it b) they want to watch the rest of it c) I wonder if I can translate that to seeing OTHER wonderful musicals? Because there are so many out there!

7. My mother in law contacted me for the person I used for Connor’s gravestone 13 years ago (for her mother’s marker). I knew exactly where the information was (notebook from that time period) and she was still in business. My MIL remembered that we said how wonderful she was and wanted to use her as well. I think that people who work in the “death industry” (for lack of a better phrase!) tend to be extra-nice. I’m sure there are jerks. And maybe the people we worked with were jerks to others–maybe they were extra nice because it was the death of a baby. I don’t know. But everyone was SO kind to us and I’m glad that at least one of them is getting more business because of that.

For those of you who follow my posts, I just wanted to give you a quick shout out. It kind of freaks me out that people do that. So Hello! Thank you! I appreciate you! Feel free to comment! 🙂

Posted in Addiction

Addiction is Addiction is Addiction

I read this blog today. It’s a guest post about a women with an eating disorder and a very difficult relationship with food. And it didn’t matter that it was about food, because what she said echoes perfectly my relationship with sex and pornography. I’m never fully comfortable with it. Never. Even in a happy, satisfying married relationship with a wonderful husband, sex is a difficult topic, a over-the-shoulder lurker just waiting to stick its nose in to a previously private conversation and make everyone involved uncomfortable.

When I’ve been sober for awhile, and I really couldn’t give a specific number of days or weeks or months, there comes a time when it’s really just my husband and me in the marital bed. And I revel in that. I’m fully present, and it sort of feels like it’s supposed to, I think. Other times, though, when it’s not been long enough, well, it’s not like that.

Because I don’t really know what it’s supposed to feel like. Too long using words and images as a crutch. I’ve never been physically or emotionally unfaithful to my husband. I’ve never fantasized about another person while I’m with my husband. I’ve never involved another person in any of my acting out. But using words written by someone else to arouse? Oh yes. And it cheats my husband. And our marriage. And myself. And inevitably leaves a very empty, awful feeling afterwards.

I say all this because addiction, any kind, is a means of escape. Of trying NOT to cope (or coping the best you know how). The drug addict, the food addict, the alcoholic, the sex addict, the workaholic…the specifics don’t really matter because all are, at the core, the exact same thing. Some are more “socially acceptable” than others. But all are just a means to and end–avoiding and escaping and numbing and not dealing.

And yes, Jesus heals. But this is something I’ll be dealing with for the rest of my life.