This is What I’m Trying to Say

Why is it, do you think, that other people can so often say what we cannot? That they somehow find the words to express that which wants very much to come out of our own mouths, but doesn’t find an outlet?

Momastery is, in her own words, a “recovering alcoholic, bulimic, druggie, liar, and jerk.” Now, I can’t claim the same long list, but addiction is addiction is addiction. It’s all just different ways of not dealing with Real Life.  And recovery is the path whereby we learn to face not only Real Life, but also what the addiction cost us and others. And, theoretically at least, not to fall into it again.

If you are a recovering addict or know one, I encourage you to check out Momastery’s post today. It’s amazing.

The Joys of a Cycle

So I just finished ovulating.

Oops. There go the guys! Bye Guys!

So, I just finished ovulating. While this isn’t noteworthy news to the average person, it is to me and my accountability partner. As I’ve mentioned, I tend to struggle more when I ovulate. And it’s only been the last few years that I’ve been remotely regular that I’ve found this out. After struggling with infertility and having to have medical intervention to conceive the first time, it’s a little disconcerting to do this on my own. Happy, but disconcerting.

So! Anyway, I just finished ovulating. And here’s the thing. I was “good”. I didn’t go anywhere on the internet that I shouldn’t. I didn’t look at anything I shouldn’t. I didn’t read anything I shouldn’t. I checked in with my AP the moment I figured out my body’s signals and that I was more vulnerable. I read my bible and worked on a bible study that I’ve been doing off and on for TWO YEARS now.

It felt AWESOME. I’d really love to look back on 2012 as a year of sobriety. I couldn’t do that with 2011. I messed up something fierce. More than once. And I can’t guarantee that this whole year will be different. I can only face today, asking God for the strength to get through the next 24 hours being able to face my problems, even my own hormones, in a healthy way. Pretty good goal, huh?

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. That I’m even typing at all is a testament to my commitment to the 7QT’s. Jim, Catie, Bennett and I worked like CRAZY on their science fair projects both last night and this morning. I went to bed happy, thinking we were finished. However, upon waking up, Jim informed me that we missed two whole parts–the plan (typed) and the abstract. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty good vocabulary. I read a lot. I had never heard the word “abstract” used that way (something other than the opposite of concrete or in addition to the word “art”). I googled it and found it meant “summary”. So why didn’t they USE the word SUMMARY?  For heaven’s sake! We somehow managed to get everything done and the kids to school ON TIME. The fair is happening as I type, I hope it’s going well. Neither one is going to win, but it’s important that they finished what they wanted to do.

2. I start work in T minus 20 days. I’m going out this morning to the local thrift store to see if I can find some pants that actually fit me. Oh joy. I hate clothing shopping unless a store has a petite department. Thrift stores are not known for this option.

3. Having purchased Inheritance by Christopher Paolini last November, I am finally getting around to rereading the first three books in the series so I can then read the 4th and final installment. I finished the first book and am starting on the 2nd. I love big books, but my, these are BIG BOOKS.

4. Jim finishes up his current contract on January 31st and starts the next one on February 1st. What a blessing!

5. Because of #4, we may actually be thinking about Disney World. Compared to last year, this is incredible!

6. I just discovered my new favorite tea. Well, except for Tetley first thing in the morning. That will always be my favorite. Bigalow Green Tea with Lemon. Oh my YUM! And I got the decaf version, so I can drink it anytime I want to!

7. Hey, I made it to 7 without breaking a sweat! WooHoo! Tomorrow they are forecasting snow–the first of the new year. I’m ready and especially glad it’s happening on a Saturday morning.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. Howdy from Southeastern PA, the home of the very confused winter. Usually by now we’ve had some snow and it’s consistently in the 30’s. This past week we went up in the mid to high 50’s once and were in the 40s to 50’s the rest of the time. I’m actually a little grateful we’re heading down into the low 30’s right now. I don’t love winter. Not one bit. But I think it plays an important part in germ warfare and fun for my kids. Not to mention making “Roast Chicken with Winter Vegetables” more appealing.

2. Yeah, that will be a new recipe. It includes TURNIPS. I don’t think I’ve ever tried a turnip. They’re certainly pretty enough–white and purple. I’ll save my taste opinion until Sunday evening after the recipe. WalMart didn’t have fennel, so I’ll be buying that today. I love fennel. I never use it, but it’s nummy.

3. It’s been an interesting week with Jim’s work stuff. He was offered a position with the company he’s contracting with, but opted not to take it and instead stay self-employed. And you know what? I’m fine with that. Sure, it’s “riskier” and private insurance costs are definitely higher (not to mention mine does not cover my PCOS!), but still, he’s happier, which makes me happier. We might not get to Disney World this year like we promised the kids, but we’ll see.

4. Can I just tell you that getting a Wii for the family has ended up being an overall excellent decision? The three sighted kids LOVE it. What little I’ve played I like it– and Just Dance 3 makes you SWEAT! I even got Jim and I a game to play just for the two of us, and that’s been fun. Of course there is the inevitable squabbling. But in the end, I’m very glad we did it.

5. Having missed out on adult-female companionship for the past month, I’m making up this week. Yesterday I hung out over our pastor’s wife’s house (well, I guess it’s his house too!) with her and her two boys. We talked for almost 4 hours straight! LOVED IT. And then today I’m having lunch with a friend that I haven’t hung out with since last summer. Tuesday I’ll be seeing my sister and mom. On the bonus side, when I see girlfriends, I need to talk to Jim less, which I’m sure he appreciates!

6. In one short month I’ll be working again. At an office. Which I haven’t done in almost 11 years. Yikes! I’m nervous about it. I want to do a good job, I want to fit into a professional place again, I want to make it work with my home life and children’s schedules and snow days etc. It’s for 7 weeks while someone is out on maternity leave. If she didn’t come back….I’ve even thought about that and don’t know what I’d do. My children are home during the summer and it would absolutely not make sense to pay for day care. I wouldn’t make that much to even cover it…..but no sense putting the cart before the horse! Needless to say, I think about this a fair amount!

7. On a sad note, I talked to the vet yesterday. Based on our kitty Winky’s recent behavior, her kidney disease is progressing. The vet said she will not last out the year. I broke the news to the kids, which did not go over well. They obviously want me to look through my crystal ball and tell them when she will die. Not even the vet can do that. So we do our best and love her and continue to clean up the messes she is making all over the house. It’s going to be an interesting year with her.

Memory Lane Can Be a Freaky Place

Back Story: In high school I was friends with a guy we’ll call F. F was a year ahead of me. I don’t know how I ended up in his clique, because it was the nerdy, geeky, smart clique. I’m smart, but not THAT smart. Anyway, fast forward 25 years and not only do I become Facebook friends with this guy (and his wife, whom I also knew), but my husband ends up sub-contracting with his consulting firm. It’s a weird world, people!

So, today his wife posts a picture on FB of something F gave her for Christmas–four magnets of less-than-fully-dress-hunky-guy-that-I-don’t-recognize. A little flicker of memory hits and I respond with “It reminds me of what F gave me for my 17th birthday”. Which, for everyone reading this, was a Playgirl.That his mother bought.

F then messages me with a picture of the cover from the actual magazine. I have the year wrong–it’s not 86, it’s 83. So I was FIFTEEN. And apparently returned the favor by giving him a playboy.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. 15? What the heck was his mother thinking? If that was my child I would have smacked her silly.

2. How the heck was I able to procure a playboy to give to him? I can’t picture some store clerk selling one to a 15 year old. Maybe I looked older? Maybe I asked my friend’s mother?

3. Didn’t any of my friends think it odd that I was reading an adult pornographic magazine at 15??

4. THANK YOU, GOD, for grabbing me up out of the pit that I was entrenched in!

By 15 I had already seen a lot of pornography. I don’t remember a whole lot about the issue, other than Tommy Chong (of Cheech and Chong fame) and the fact that the centerfold had asked his parish priest if it would be ok for him to pose nude. (I don’t know what the priest was smoking for him to say yes.)

For more than 17 years I have battled this particular demon of sex addiction. It’s things like this that shout to me how lost I was in it without having any clue that I was lost.

New Year, New Me?

All over Facebook people are making resolutions–lose weight, get organized, clean, be a better parent, eat better…you name it, they want to change it. And I’m not trying to imply that’s a bad thing. Change can be a very good thing. Yes, you heard me say that!

I haven’t jumped in to the conversations yet because I’m not sure where I want to go. I have a lot of things about me that I’d like to improve– my weight, consistent organization of my desk, consistent quiet times, eating better, working out….all very good things. I would like to think that this time next year I’ll be a little different–changed by my life experiences of the upcoming 366 days (leap year!).

2011 was certainly a difficult year for us as a family. Work and lack thereof, money and lack thereof, trust and lack thereof–it showed me I have some definite areas of needed growth. In 2010, before Jim quit, I definitely considered myself a “giver”–I loved to give financially to those in need. When he quit and things took quite  a turn for the worse, I found myself concerned–CONSTANTLY CONCERNED–that there would be enough. And other than our usual ministries that we give to, I didn’t give more. Even though Jim has had a good contract since August and will at least through April. I want to get past that worried mindset and get back to the giving mindset. I liked that person. Giving financially. Giving time. Sharing ME.

So maybe that will be my 2012 new year’s resolution. To give as God would want me. Not more. Not less. But what He calls me to, I will give.