This is What I’m Trying to Say

Why is it, do you think, that other people can so often say what we cannot? That they somehow find the words to express that which wants very much to come out of our own mouths, but doesn’t find an outlet?

Momastery is, in her own words, a “recovering alcoholic, bulimic, druggie, liar, and jerk.” Now, I can’t claim the same long list, but addiction is addiction is addiction. It’s all just different ways of not dealing with Real Life.  And recovery is the path whereby we learn to face not only Real Life, but also what the addiction cost us and others. And, theoretically at least, not to fall into it again.

If you are a recovering addict or know one, I encourage you to check out Momastery’s post today. It’s amazing.

The Joys of a Cycle

So I just finished ovulating.

Oops. There go the guys! Bye Guys!

So, I just finished ovulating. While this isn’t noteworthy news to the average person, it is to me and my accountability partner. As I’ve mentioned, I tend to struggle more when I ovulate. And it’s only been the last few years that I’ve been remotely regular that I’ve found this out. After struggling with infertility and having to have medical intervention to conceive the first time, it’s a little disconcerting to do this on my own. Happy, but disconcerting.

So! Anyway, I just finished ovulating. And here’s the thing. I was “good”. I didn’t go anywhere on the internet that I shouldn’t. I didn’t look at anything I shouldn’t. I didn’t read anything I shouldn’t. I checked in with my AP the moment I figured out my body’s signals and that I was more vulnerable. I read my bible and worked on a bible study that I’ve been doing off and on for TWO YEARS now.

It felt AWESOME. I’d really love to look back on 2012 as a year of sobriety. I couldn’t do that with 2011. I messed up something fierce. More than once. And I can’t guarantee that this whole year will be different. I can only face today, asking God for the strength to get through the next 24 hours being able to face my problems, even my own hormones, in a healthy way. Pretty good goal, huh?

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. That I’m even typing at all is a testament to my commitment to the 7QT’s. Jim, Catie, Bennett and I worked like CRAZY on their science fair projects both last night and this morning. I went to bed happy, thinking we were finished. However, upon waking up, Jim informed me that we missed two whole parts–the plan (typed) and the abstract. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty good vocabulary. I read a lot. I had never heard the word “abstract” used that way (something other than the opposite of concrete or in addition to the word “art”). I googled it and found it meant “summary”. So why didn’t they USE the word SUMMARY?  For heaven’s sake! We somehow managed to get everything done and the kids to school ON TIME. The fair is happening as I type, I hope it’s going well. Neither one is going to win, but it’s important that they finished what they wanted to do.

2. I start work in T minus 20 days. I’m going out this morning to the local thrift store to see if I can find some pants that actually fit me. Oh joy. I hate clothing shopping unless a store has a petite department. Thrift stores are not known for this option.

3. Having purchased Inheritance by Christopher Paolini last November, I am finally getting around to rereading the first three books in the series so I can then read the 4th and final installment. I finished the first book and am starting on the 2nd. I love big books, but my, these are BIG BOOKS.

4. Jim finishes up his current contract on January 31st and starts the next one on February 1st. What a blessing!

5. Because of #4, we may actually be thinking about Disney World. Compared to last year, this is incredible!

6. I just discovered my new favorite tea. Well, except for Tetley first thing in the morning. That will always be my favorite. Bigalow Green Tea with Lemon. Oh my YUM! And I got the decaf version, so I can drink it anytime I want to!

7. Hey, I made it to 7 without breaking a sweat! WooHoo! Tomorrow they are forecasting snow–the first of the new year. I’m ready and especially glad it’s happening on a Saturday morning.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. Howdy from Southeastern PA, the home of the very confused winter. Usually by now we’ve had some snow and it’s consistently in the 30′s. This past week we went up in the mid to high 50′s once and were in the 40s to 50′s the rest of the time. I’m actually a little grateful we’re heading down into the low 30′s right now. I don’t love winter. Not one bit. But I think it plays an important part in germ warfare and fun for my kids. Not to mention making “Roast Chicken with Winter Vegetables” more appealing.

2. Yeah, that will be a new recipe. It includes TURNIPS. I don’t think I’ve ever tried a turnip. They’re certainly pretty enough–white and purple. I’ll save my taste opinion until Sunday evening after the recipe. WalMart didn’t have fennel, so I’ll be buying that today. I love fennel. I never use it, but it’s nummy.

3. It’s been an interesting week with Jim’s work stuff. He was offered a position with the company he’s contracting with, but opted not to take it and instead stay self-employed. And you know what? I’m fine with that. Sure, it’s “riskier” and private insurance costs are definitely higher (not to mention mine does not cover my PCOS!), but still, he’s happier, which makes me happier. We might not get to Disney World this year like we promised the kids, but we’ll see.

4. Can I just tell you that getting a Wii for the family has ended up being an overall excellent decision? The three sighted kids LOVE it. What little I’ve played I like it– and Just Dance 3 makes you SWEAT! I even got Jim and I a game to play just for the two of us, and that’s been fun. Of course there is the inevitable squabbling. But in the end, I’m very glad we did it.

5. Having missed out on adult-female companionship for the past month, I’m making up this week. Yesterday I hung out over our pastor’s wife’s house (well, I guess it’s his house too!) with her and her two boys. We talked for almost 4 hours straight! LOVED IT. And then today I’m having lunch with a friend that I haven’t hung out with since last summer. Tuesday I’ll be seeing my sister and mom. On the bonus side, when I see girlfriends, I need to talk to Jim less, which I’m sure he appreciates!

6. In one short month I’ll be working again. At an office. Which I haven’t done in almost 11 years. Yikes! I’m nervous about it. I want to do a good job, I want to fit into a professional place again, I want to make it work with my home life and children’s schedules and snow days etc. It’s for 7 weeks while someone is out on maternity leave. If she didn’t come back….I’ve even thought about that and don’t know what I’d do. My children are home during the summer and it would absolutely not make sense to pay for day care. I wouldn’t make that much to even cover it…..but no sense putting the cart before the horse! Needless to say, I think about this a fair amount!

7. On a sad note, I talked to the vet yesterday. Based on our kitty Winky’s recent behavior, her kidney disease is progressing. The vet said she will not last out the year. I broke the news to the kids, which did not go over well. They obviously want me to look through my crystal ball and tell them when she will die. Not even the vet can do that. So we do our best and love her and continue to clean up the messes she is making all over the house. It’s going to be an interesting year with her.

Memory Lane Can Be a Freaky Place

Back Story: In high school I was friends with a guy we’ll call F. F was a year ahead of me. I don’t know how I ended up in his clique, because it was the nerdy, geeky, smart clique. I’m smart, but not THAT smart. Anyway, fast forward 25 years and not only do I become Facebook friends with this guy (and his wife, whom I also knew), but my husband ends up sub-contracting with his consulting firm. It’s a weird world, people!

So, today his wife posts a picture on FB of something F gave her for Christmas–four magnets of less-than-fully-dress-hunky-guy-that-I-don’t-recognize. A little flicker of memory hits and I respond with “It reminds me of what F gave me for my 17th birthday”. Which, for everyone reading this, was a Playgirl.That his mother bought.

F then messages me with a picture of the cover from the actual magazine. I have the year wrong–it’s not 86, it’s 83. So I was FIFTEEN. And apparently returned the favor by giving him a playboy.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. 15? What the heck was his mother thinking? If that was my child I would have smacked her silly.

2. How the heck was I able to procure a playboy to give to him? I can’t picture some store clerk selling one to a 15 year old. Maybe I looked older? Maybe I asked my friend’s mother?

3. Didn’t any of my friends think it odd that I was reading an adult pornographic magazine at 15??

4. THANK YOU, GOD, for grabbing me up out of the pit that I was entrenched in!

By 15 I had already seen a lot of pornography. I don’t remember a whole lot about the issue, other than Tommy Chong (of Cheech and Chong fame) and the fact that the centerfold had asked his parish priest if it would be ok for him to pose nude. (I don’t know what the priest was smoking for him to say yes.)

For more than 17 years I have battled this particular demon of sex addiction. It’s things like this that shout to me how lost I was in it without having any clue that I was lost.

New Year, New Me?

All over Facebook people are making resolutions–lose weight, get organized, clean, be a better parent, eat better…you name it, they want to change it. And I’m not trying to imply that’s a bad thing. Change can be a very good thing. Yes, you heard me say that!

I haven’t jumped in to the conversations yet because I’m not sure where I want to go. I have a lot of things about me that I’d like to improve– my weight, consistent organization of my desk, consistent quiet times, eating better, working out….all very good things. I would like to think that this time next year I’ll be a little different–changed by my life experiences of the upcoming 366 days (leap year!).

2011 was certainly a difficult year for us as a family. Work and lack thereof, money and lack thereof, trust and lack thereof–it showed me I have some definite areas of needed growth. In 2010, before Jim quit, I definitely considered myself a “giver”–I loved to give financially to those in need. When he quit and things took quite  a turn for the worse, I found myself concerned–CONSTANTLY CONCERNED–that there would be enough. And other than our usual ministries that we give to, I didn’t give more. Even though Jim has had a good contract since August and will at least through April. I want to get past that worried mindset and get back to the giving mindset. I liked that person. Giving financially. Giving time. Sharing ME.

So maybe that will be my 2012 new year’s resolution. To give as God would want me. Not more. Not less. But what He calls me to, I will give.

Sidelined

I have been OUT.OF.IT. Sunday evening I came home from Jim’s mom’s house feeling completely fine. Sometime in the night I woke up with a sore throat. When I got up on Monday it was on fire. Made it to Laura’s alleged bone scan at the local hospital, where I was informed that their machine was not detailed enough for a 3D scan on a pediatric case. Oookay, thanks. Went home. Went grocery shopping, where I had to stop here and there to catch my breath. By the time I got home, whatever it was that I had had hit full force. Slept horrendously that night. Yesterday I spend the ENTIRE day on the couch, getting up to make tea and go to the bathroom. That’s it. Slept fabulously. Woke this morning, hoping to feel well enough to go to DuPont  for Laura’s new and improved bone scan. Nope. Still rotten. Call and reschedule for Friday. Lay on the couch some more. I’m having a few bursts of energy here and there (like now), but nothing I can count on. I HAVE to do some laundry (on my last decent pair of underwear!) and make fudge for gifts for tomorrow. I WILL do both these things in the next 7.5 hours. In between resting on the couch.

I have kissed the idea of Christmas cards and a family portrait good-bye. Neither one is going to happen before Christmas. Priorities!

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. 9 days until Christmas. Gulp! I’ve been so busy! Gift buying is thankfully finished, as is the first batch of fudge (and mostly given out today, the last day of school for my local-school kids. The tree is still only trimmed with the kids’ things and the adult stuff is still out. I haven’t wrapped, gotten our picture (and my hair SO needs to be colored!) or even thought about cards. Why, o why, does our Lord’s birth have to be celebrated with such a long to-do list??

2. Laura Update: The rheumatologist thinks it’s probably arthritis, but wants to wait for the blood work results as well as the bone scan. Blood work was yesterday, bone scan is on Monday. In the meantime, she’ll be on Naproxen (prescription strength Alleve) and needs orthotics in her shoes (gets fitted next Thursday). This morning I asked her how she felt after the Naproxin had time to take effect. Her answer? NOTHING HURTS!! For the first time in almost 3 months! Hallelujah!

3. I admit that I’ve been running around a little like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off. We haven’t had this medical stuff in so many years that I’m out of practice with it. I have, however, been keeping everyone (pediatrician, nurse, even gym teacher!) in the loop–I’m a FIRM believer in inclusion when it comes to information. The more everyone knows, the better they can handle the situation.

4. My next-door neighbor and I are building a nice new friendship. It’s hard working around kids and her work schedule, but I’m happy to have a “next-door friend” again after losing my last one when she moved.

5. Pursuant to #4, I’m babysitting her son for a few hours tomorrow. He’s 16 months old.  Consequently, I need to get on my hands and knees and see what he can put in his mouth and choke on. The older kids get, the smaller their toys get!

6. One of my children is really doing a LOT of lying lately. I’m not one to be a good mother and sit down and look at verses on stuff with the kids, but in this case, this child and I are going to do just that. We’ll look up the verse and what God has to say on lying and that child is going to write it down. Because both Jim and I are getting extremely fed up with the situation!

7. I wish I could think of a seventh thing, but I just can’t. Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

Which of You by Worrying Can Add a Single Hour to Your Life?

So. Laura’s MRI went off without a hitch. She did fabulously well–laying still for about an hour. Then we met with the surgeon, who again examined her, only more thoroughly this time. Then he asked about her activities.

??? I thought. School, piano lessons, DS, TV, playing like a regular kid.

Because, apparently, her pain follows the bone line between her legs (the ischium) and is common with horseback riding, or pro bicycle riding. Obviously things Laura does not do.

He wants us to see a rheumatologist, which we are doing tomorrow at DuPont in Delaware. I just couldn’t do that drive to CHOP one more time. This past visit it took us 1 hr 45 mins to get there. DuPont about an hour away.

He said in two of the last six cases of this kind of pain it was autoimmune. I didn’t know what that meant, but have since learned he meant arthritis. She’s also experiencing pain in both her feet, so that lends itself to the diagnosis as well. I haven’t been this nervous about a doctor appointment in YEARS–since they were little, little ones and all their medical problems were at their height. We’ve had such smooth sailing for so many years that I’m out of practice with this.

If you are a pray-er, please pray for Laura.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. 3 1/2 weeks until Christmas. I’m slowly making my way through my gift-buying. I really need to sit down and put some major thought into it, or I’m going to be too late and then freak out.

2. Laura’s MRI is scheduled for Thursday. We’re going to try and attempt non-sedated (she’ll watch a movie), because the first sedated MRI slot was more than a week later than that! We’re again heading in Philadelphia, but I’m going  a completely different way, which should alleviate a lot of the stress. Theoretically at least.

3. I’m surrounded by many piles in my house. Paperwork, art stuff, decorations…I really need to buckle down and deal with them. But blogging is so much more fun, don’t you think? However, I’m hosting bible study next Tuesday, so the house will look FABULOUS by then!

4. The kids are starting the countdown to the end of school. The local school’s last day is the 16th, which I personally think is insane. I would rather have had a shorter winter break and a longer spring break. Sigh. What am I going to do with them all those days before the new toys hit??

5. We just found out that one of our kitties, Winky, is in renal failure. We’re trying her on a special low-protein kidney cat food to see if that helps. I’m not looking forward to breaking the news to the kids that she’s very sick. They adore her.

6. I just got Thum at the drugstore. You paint your kids’ nails with it to encourage them to stop biting their nails. Both Bennett and Laura chew their nails a LOT. I’m a cuticle picker, so they come by it naturally. Let’s hope this helps!

7. We started reading the Advent passages last night while decorating our Advent calendar. It’s a large felt Christmas tree with 24 felt pockets with felt decorations. My mother’s next door neighbor handmade it back in the late 60′s/early 70′s. I remember being thrilled at reaching December 16th because whoever did that day got to put up Baby Jesus. I love passing down this tradition to my kids!