I am a sex addict.
I’ve been pretty open about this. Just look on the category list to the right and you’ll see one labeled “Addiction” and read all about it. But something I’ve never, to my knowledge, done is actually talk about it WHILE I”M IN THE MIDST OF IT. Which is where I am.
Normally–most of the time–it’s on the back burner. I struggle more when I ovulate, or when I just finish my period. Or when I have unexpected unscheduled free time (although that doesn’t really happen much anymore!). For a while now I’ve been eschewing romance novels because they tend to be gateway drugs. I was doing so fine that I thought, hey, let’s see if I can handle them again.
I’ve been reading what Amazon calls erotica for about a week now. And how weird does that look in print? It’s making me rethink publishing this. Erotica is a polite, tidy word to describe pornography in print form. Books such that, if they were made into movies, would carry an X rating.
I’m functioning as a wife and mom. Housework is getting done. Kids are being fed. But any “free” time I have is taken now. I found a loophole around my accountability software. It’s called my smartphone. Funny, it has unsupervised internet on it. And Amazon has this thing called Kindle for Android, which makes is phenomenally easy to download books and no one the wiser. Which is why I have the stupid software on my PC because I really cannot handle unsupervised internet. I mean, I don’t even have the passwords for the kids’ PC’s. Seriously. It’s that bad.
When I’ve fallen in the past, guilt has drawn me back to God. But God and I haven’t been very close for, like, a long time now. A LONG time. And the guilt is negligible. As is the desire to stop.
Not sure what else to say, but you know, I wanted to be honest and show you all, this is where I can go. This is how bad it can get. And yes, my accountability partner knows. Which also, in the past, would have helped me get back on track. But not this time. At least, not yet. I meet with her in a week. We’ll see where I am then.