You want real? Really Real? Here it is.
I grew up in the church. Went from the moment of conception onward. Sunday school, baptism, church choir, etc. Changed churches at 17 to worship with my friends (although stayed Baptist). Did the Sunday school thing some more, the youth group thing, and finally met God. Turned my life over to him. Don’t know if it was getting saved or rededication. I had always believed, but it had never made a difference. Grew. Grew like Crazy. Started dating Jim and changed churches to worship in his church. Non-denominational. Grew some more. Got married and started to try to get pregnant. After a lot of help, finally got pregnant. Had four children at 25 weeks, lost one, had one be blind and not eat, had two on oxygen, had one with a colostomy.
This was NOT THE PLAN. Life wasn’t perfect. God let us down. We didn’t get it–or Him–and turned away. Stopped going to church, stopped growing, stopped following, everything. Life was about survival.
2005, January. We knew, for whatever reason, that the kids should be in church. We went to a few different ones, but ended up at a lovely, nurturing sweet church. I sat in that pew, week after week, angry or just indifferent. God kept knocking. Finally made the decision of will, that regardless of how I felt, I believed God was a good God. I would set aside my feelings and follow Him again. I started praying, started not being so angry, started following.
2013. April. There is no closeness. There is no growth. There is a desire, oh, yes, a desire. But a complete lack of how to get that closeness. Bible study, when I try, is dryer than the Sahara. It’s just reading words on a page–filling in blanks in a book. The pastor on Sunday talked about how Jesus was the Way, the Truth and the Life. The life part was supposed to be abundant. Mine’s not. I haven’t admitted that openly, but there it is. I want it to be. Honestly I do. And I feel like, by this point in my life I should know how to do it, like if I follow the bullet points of pray, read my bible, listen to Christian music, then I’ll get there.
I miss God. I miss that joy, that growth, that abundance of a depth of relationship with God. Any suggestions, people?