Bear with me here, as this will be a stream of consciousness kind of post.
I read a fair amount of blogs. Most if not all are by mothers; some by mothers of many, MANY children. One even has 12. At a time in our culture that 2 is the norm, these women have stepped away from societal expectations and opted instead for what they feel God has called them to. I stand amazed at them. Not in a “let’s read about the freak show” kind of way, either.
I never thought I would have a large family. Jim is one of two and I’m one of three. We figured that we’d have two and then see how we felt about a third. We knew going into marriage that I had fertility issues, although we didn’t know what they were at the time. After conceiving the quads (with some help of injectable drugs but not IVF), we figured we were finished. We lost a baby. We conceived another. I always joke that that was God’s idea, although I truly believe that He knew what He was doing and she was and is an amazing blessing. At her birth, though, I got my tubes tied so that I was, indeed, DONE. Irrevocably.
Now, I have to admit to some second thoughts. Not strong enough to change, but some twinges of “did we play God?”. Not comfortable, that’s for sure. I’m oftentimes at my wit’s end with staying on top of my four, three of which have varying degrees of special needs. I’m thankful that I can enjoy the blessing without the thought of what I would normally consider negative consequences. But again, is a child–such a wondrous thing!–ever negative?
When I eat right and take the drugs I need, I actually sometimes ovulate. I even did it recently, as my body is telling me right now with it’s charming two-week-warning that I now recognize. and a part of me wonders–honestly, with no April Fool’s in there–WHAT IF. What if I hadn’t gotten my tubes tied? What if it had been in God’s plan for us to have more children? What if we were meant to have an even larger family? With children actually spaced out so the older ones could help with the younger ones?
Society would call me insane. *I* would have called me insane even a few months ago before I started reading these blogs and actually using my brain instead of just swallowing what society says. Now, I’m not saying that I’m going to call and get my tubes untied or whatever it would be called. For now it’s enough for me that I’m questioning what the spiritual ramifications are. Plus, I don’t think Jim would be jumping for joy about it.