Posted in Me

The Winter of My Discontent

Feeling dissatisfied right now. That’s the best word I can come up with. Not happy with the house (that would be my fault), my body (my fault again), my mothering (ditto), or my spiritual life (me again). My sobriety is ok right now, though. 😀

I’ve been doing odds and ends around the house–today was the shelf above my desk. It REALLY needed it. And I worked on loads and loads of laundry. But now it’s just sitting out in the living room instead of being put away. Ok, 30 minutes later it’s all put away. Jim will like that. I certainly do.

The house is actually the easiest of the list to fix. It’s just getting off my duff and working. Well, ok, that’s true for the whole list!

My body is about 30 lbs overweight, give or take. It affects a lot of things….how I feel about myself, the clothes I purchase, how Jim feels about me, the food I put into my body, the lack of exercise, the way I feel about diet commercials, the way I feel about how the media portrays women and their bodies. I’m not to aim for thin–just healthy. Not there. By a long shot. I wish someone like Jillian on You Are What You Eat would walk in the door and smack me upside the head.

Mothering, well, I’m not doing so hot there either. I’ve been going from one to ten in terms of getting angry. I’m quiet and then BAM I’m yelling. I have NO clue why, either. It’s not like I can blame it on PMS anymore.
I still struggle with “me time”. Sometimes I feel like I gave up almost two whole years of my life. Literally. I had NO life outside these four walls. And I feel like I am owed for that. How wrong is that? Like the kids had any say in being conceived, or born, or how difficult their early days were. Like I could ever get that time back. It’s gone. And being selfish now only hurts them and me. It gyps both of us out of the relationship that we both could have.

Yet, on the other hand, I get to have a life, too. And I still feel like I mostly don’t. I mean, really, when was the last time that I went out and did something for me other than getting my hair cut? Seriously!? I don’t remember! Wait, yes I do. The CCMOMC Mom’s party in early December. Two months ago. So maybe there’s a little wiggle room on this one. Not that I shouldn’t be a better mom, of course I need to work on that, but I also need to take of me as well.

Spiritual life. Ahh….I’m falling into that trap of reading ABOUT God instead of reading the Bible and spending actual time with Him. A friend of mine (Hi Maria!) told me that she starts her day (after the kids get on the bus) with a 1/2 hour of bible reading. Wow. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did that. I envy her that. And it would be pretty easy to work it into my schedule, as long as I was willing to be flexible.

So there you have it. Me in a few paragraphs. Comments?

Posted in Kids

Laura

I figured I could dedicate a post to my eldest daughter. Two things of note recently happened.

She was one of the four “good citizens” in her elementary school for first grade this month.

She uttered the phrase “laugh your a– off” last night.

Such dichotomy!! That sums her up pretty well. She is probably the funniest of all the kids–without even trying she can have me in stitches. She can also exasperate me quicker than any of them (Ok, maybe she ties with Ethan!). She’s the most musical and can carry a tune very well, staying mostly on pitch and even HARMONIZED WITH ME LAST NIGHT! I was so psyched about that–she’s gonna end up being an alto. You just wait!

Of all the kids, she seems to be the most bothered the “multiple-ness” of it all. If Jim or I are spending special time cuddling or tickling or whatever with one of the other children, she wants in on it. She almost seems to have the “middle child” syndrome.

This morning was amazing in that there were no tears getting ready for school. It was WONDERFUL!

Posted in Health, Job, Professional Organzing

Vertical

The title describes me. Finally. Eating still makes me nauseous, but other than that I’m back to normal. Thank you GOD!! Jim, on the other hand, is in bed, begging God to be merciful to him. No work, no in to the bank to sign refinance papers–nada. Poor guy. At least we have juice and popsicles. Who knew about popsicles anyway?? 1. For some reason they actually stay down when you are throwing up 2) Even in the dead of winter, if you have a fever they taste GREAT!

So, life is going to resume after a brief interruption. Back to organizing, clearing out, de-cluttering, figuring out my business, working on my self-esteem (to go with said business) which took a beating last night looking at other women’s pro organizing websites last night. I’m no where near their level of professionalism. I’ve been playing with the idea of asking a local one to mentor me–hoping that she would be willing to help me get started at least.

I had an interesting conversation with my mom a few days ago. We were talking about the Fall, when life changes dramatically for me. All of a sudden my SAHM days will be utterly empty. I’m tossing around working part time and/or doing the organizing thing. I asked Mom what she would do. Let me preface this with, my mother is not the encouraging type. She’s definitely a glass-half-empty kind a person. We love her, but my sister and I recognize that she’s not the one to go to when we need to be propped up emotionally. Back to story: I ask her what she would do 1) get a part time job working for someone else or 2) trying out something new doing something I love. Phrasing it that way, one would think she would choose #2, but NO. “I think the idea of doing something you love is not practical”. or something to that effect. Gotta love her.

My problem with working part time for someone else is the summers. I have to have off because all the kids are off. Plus there’s the whole maybe taking Ethan to the Hershey Feeding Clinic thing, which would throw our lives into complete and utter disarray. But, duh, that would happen before fall, wouldn’t it?

Any input people??? What would YOU do?

Posted in Sick

Stomach Bug

This bug has got to be the worst that has ever hit our house. Bennett had it about 1 1/2 weeks ago. Then Catie got it–and STILL has it (threw up last night). I got it Friday and was so sick, and am still struggling with having energy and any desire to eat, as well as that D word again. Jim is starting to come down with it today. Poor guy!

If you read this, please keep our family in your prayers that we would get over this soon and that no one else would catch it.

Posted in Addiction, God

I’m Back on the Wagon Again

I fell off the wagon BIG TIME yesterday. I have to admit that I didn’t think my accountability program would catch it, but it did. I emailed my new accountability partner this morning, but haven’t really reconciled with God yet. That’s the hardest part sometimes. I struggle with being sorry–I mean the REAL sorry that you have to be to make repentance work. Not there yet.

It’s hard being addicted to your own brain chemicals. They are readily available, free of charge, legal, and no one can see–no tracks or bloody nose or vacant eyes or weird smell in the air.

The think about this (and I guess any) addiction, is that it interrupts my relationship with God.
I CAN’T pray because I can’t serve two masters. This morning, when I was reading about Melanie going home with hospice care, most likely to die, I started to pray for them. Then I remembered that there was still a roadblock in my way. I prayed anyway, but know I need to talk to Him about me.