Feeling dissatisfied right now. That’s the best word I can come up with. Not happy with the house (that would be my fault), my body (my fault again), my mothering (ditto), or my spiritual life (me again). My sobriety is ok right now, though. 😀
I’ve been doing odds and ends around the house–today was the shelf above my desk. It REALLY needed it. And I worked on loads and loads of laundry. But now it’s just sitting out in the living room instead of being put away. Ok, 30 minutes later it’s all put away. Jim will like that. I certainly do.
The house is actually the easiest of the list to fix. It’s just getting off my duff and working. Well, ok, that’s true for the whole list!
My body is about 30 lbs overweight, give or take. It affects a lot of things….how I feel about myself, the clothes I purchase, how Jim feels about me, the food I put into my body, the lack of exercise, the way I feel about diet commercials, the way I feel about how the media portrays women and their bodies. I’m not to aim for thin–just healthy. Not there. By a long shot. I wish someone like Jillian on You Are What You Eat would walk in the door and smack me upside the head.
Mothering, well, I’m not doing so hot there either. I’ve been going from one to ten in terms of getting angry. I’m quiet and then BAM I’m yelling. I have NO clue why, either. It’s not like I can blame it on PMS anymore.
I still struggle with “me time”. Sometimes I feel like I gave up almost two whole years of my life. Literally. I had NO life outside these four walls. And I feel like I am owed for that. How wrong is that? Like the kids had any say in being conceived, or born, or how difficult their early days were. Like I could ever get that time back. It’s gone. And being selfish now only hurts them and me. It gyps both of us out of the relationship that we both could have.
Yet, on the other hand, I get to have a life, too. And I still feel like I mostly don’t. I mean, really, when was the last time that I went out and did something for me other than getting my hair cut? Seriously!? I don’t remember! Wait, yes I do. The CCMOMC Mom’s party in early December. Two months ago. So maybe there’s a little wiggle room on this one. Not that I shouldn’t be a better mom, of course I need to work on that, but I also need to take of me as well.
Spiritual life. Ahh….I’m falling into that trap of reading ABOUT God instead of reading the Bible and spending actual time with Him. A friend of mine (Hi Maria!) told me that she starts her day (after the kids get on the bus) with a 1/2 hour of bible reading. Wow. I couldn’t tell you the last time I did that. I envy her that. And it would be pretty easy to work it into my schedule, as long as I was willing to be flexible.
So there you have it. Me in a few paragraphs. Comments?