Current mood: uncomfortable
Did you ever feel fed up with where you were? And yet, unable to break free from it? Or rather, unwilling? Embarrassingly unwilling.
I’ve been reading stuff lately. Books, quotes, blogs, the Bible. The Westminster shorter Catechism starts off with “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” When was the last time I enjoyed God? Glorify? I mean, I get it. My life it supposed to show the world what Jesus is like. So I follow the speed limit, don’t yell at the kids, submit to my husband instead of insisting on my own way. Is that Jesus? Ok, to some extent, yes. All those things are good things. Each of them, in their own way, has actually been a real struggle for me. But is it sacrifice? Do any of them make me really SQUIRM? Is Jesus sighing because I’m sorta getting it, but not really? I mean, is the world really different because I’m taking up room on it? Has anyone seen Jesus in me so much that it impacted their life? I mean, the one person I actually remember leading to God has since turned away and is living a life of sin.
Following God–TRULY following God is not easy. it’s downright uncomfortable and I don’t like feeling that way. Lukewarm-ness is the nice, easy way. Church, safe prayers for others, following the rules, but no inner change–now THAT’s the life I really want. It’s certainly the life I’ve been living. For so long I used the kids as an excuse. I didn’t have time. Then there was still the specter of all the unanswered questions and problems with prayer. God provided a terrific website for that. Then I read that author, Lisa Samson, and just don’t know what to do with the questions she asks. The things I’m feeling. I guilt about our lives. I KNOW my first responsibility is to my children. And I feel like only one out of the four really gets it. One, at this point, I don’t think is capable of getting it. But the other two??
And then there’s Jim. He seems to be coming around. But I still don’t feel like I can talk to him about God. Like, if he brings it up it’s ok, but I shouldn’t dare ask him for something more. like praying together. Or a bible study. Or anything that might enhance our marriage. Can you tell I’m upset? I’ve felt this way for 12 years now. I know Lauren U prayed for her husband to lead in their marriage for YEARS. Finally he did. I pray. Not a lot, but I pray.
And what about the money I got for my birthday? Is it wrong to go to a spa with it? Or should I give it away? Or WHAT? I need counseling. At least, I THINK I need counseling. There’s that “do it to glorify God” website that I checked out, and that totally irritated me b/c it seemed too simplistic. But IS it? Have I missed it so much? But what about the 12 steps? I don’t know. I really don’t. And I’m not going to do anything until God CLEARLY tells me what to do. Although today the word Glory kept popping up.