Upchucking Emotions

Yeah, that would be me. I went to counseling again. She actually made me cry. In a good way. I’m not fond of crying other than in complete privacy, so that wasn’t much fun. But hey, I’m making progress. No, wait, Progress, people, with a capital P! I know some of why I get mad, and am supposed to start replacing those internal negative voices with good, positive ones. I’ve started the tapes today already “See, you’re excellent at the doctor’s office! Very patient with the drama. And you thought to bring up the lack of meat-eating thing! Which led us to find the low-iron thing. Way to go!” I won’t go into the voice-track it’s replacing, but it’s not very nice, trust me.

Catie had her 5th year well check up today. No shots, thank goodness. However, in discussing her lack of meat eating with the doctor, we decided to test her blood for iron. She is an 11, which is the lowest they accept. So when I go grocery shopping next, I’ll be picking up a new multi-vitamin with iron in it. I’m glad I thought to bring it up!

Tonight is Jim’s company party. It’s one of the cooler parties I’ve gone to; they hire a gambling company that provides tables, has dealers that teach you how to play while you’re playing, and you don’t use real money. And you can win some pretty amazing prizes like Playstations or DVR’s. And then there’s the prime rib for dinner. I went out to find a blouse and scored not only it, but a skirt, a pair of dress pants and stockings for $41 total. WooHoo! Peebles was having a very good sale.

Although standing in front of that mirror was rather unpleasant, but hey, we’re not going to focus on the negatives right now, are we??? LOL!

So I went to Counseling

And while driving home the 6 odd minutes it takes to get from her office to my home, I felt like I had vomited a lot of emotion and history into her lap. Seriously. That’s how it felt. I have homework, which is amusing to my husband. When I get angry, I have to stop (which is a Good Thing), write down the situation that is causing the emotion, and the level of intensity. I have to come up with levels. I thought I would share them with you (I had to use MS Word’s thesaurus for a little help!)

Irritated: Whichever child you are, you are getting on my nerves. Please stop.
Annoyed: Whichever child you are, WHY do you continue to get on my nerves? CEASE!
Upset: Whichever child you are, I’m starting to lose my temper.
Mad: Ok, kid, now I’m mad.
Livid: I’m yelling. Screaming, actually. Charming, aren’t I?

At next week’s appointment we will see if there is a common thread with all the situations. I can guess that they will include either a child or a spouse, but that’s purely conjecture on my part.

Oh, and about that Spouse, he can make me laugh more than anyone else in the world. That’s one of the things I fell in love with lo, those many years ago. Do I tell you this story? Who will be more embarrassed? Him? Me? You?

Ok, I’ll tell you. I have this thing (and I’ve told you all before I’m quirky, so don’t pretend to be shocked). I like to pull out his belly button fuzz. I know, I know! I’m weird. But there it is. I do it and he rolls his eyes (though I think he secretly likes it). Anyway! Last night we’re snuggled up watching Amanda Overmeyer get kicked off Idol (which shocked us both!), and I lifted his shirt a tiny bit to get out the fluff. I showed him and then threw it out in the trash can. He said, (and don’t you love him?) “Hey, there might have been a Who in there!” !!!!!

Which totally made the vomit feeling go away.

A Counseling I Will Go…..

Just made the decision a little bit ago that I am definitely going to counseling. I’m tired of being angry so often. I’m tired of yelling CONSTANTLY at the children. I’m tired of always REacting instead of being PROactive with the family. God has been bombarding me with messages (yes, that’s usually what it takes) that my children are a blessing, that I should be mothering them better, that I shouldn’t feel like I need to escape from them but love being with them. And for that, honestly, I will need someone professional to talk to.

I’ll be making a call later today, after Catie goes to preschool, to a local person. I’m nervous, but looking forward to talking it all out. Finally.