This is What I’m Trying to Say

Why is it, do you think, that other people can so often say what we cannot? That they somehow find the words to express that which wants very much to come out of our own mouths, but doesn’t find an outlet?

Momastery is, in her own words, a “recovering alcoholic, bulimic, druggie, liar, and jerk.” Now, I can’t claim the same long list, but addiction is addiction is addiction. It’s all just different ways of not dealing with Real Life.  And recovery is the path whereby we learn to face not only Real Life, but also what the addiction cost us and others. And, theoretically at least, not to fall into it again.

If you are a recovering addict or know one, I encourage you to check out Momastery’s post today. It’s amazing.

The Joys of a Cycle

So I just finished ovulating.

Oops. There go the guys! Bye Guys!

So, I just finished ovulating. While this isn’t noteworthy news to the average person, it is to me and my accountability partner. As I’ve mentioned, I tend to struggle more when I ovulate. And it’s only been the last few years that I’ve been remotely regular that I’ve found this out. After struggling with infertility and having to have medical intervention to conceive the first time, it’s a little disconcerting to do this on my own. Happy, but disconcerting.

So! Anyway, I just finished ovulating. And here’s the thing. I was “good”. I didn’t go anywhere on the internet that I shouldn’t. I didn’t look at anything I shouldn’t. I didn’t read anything I shouldn’t. I checked in with my AP the moment I figured out my body’s signals and that I was more vulnerable. I read my bible and worked on a bible study that I’ve been doing off and on for TWO YEARS now.

It felt AWESOME. I’d really love to look back on 2012 as a year of sobriety. I couldn’t do that with 2011. I messed up something fierce. More than once. And I can’t guarantee that this whole year will be different. I can only face today, asking God for the strength to get through the next 24 hours being able to face my problems, even my own hormones, in a healthy way. Pretty good goal, huh?

Memory Lane Can Be a Freaky Place

Back Story: In high school I was friends with a guy we’ll call F. F was a year ahead of me. I don’t know how I ended up in his clique, because it was the nerdy, geeky, smart clique. I’m smart, but not THAT smart. Anyway, fast forward 25 years and not only do I become Facebook friends with this guy (and his wife, whom I also knew), but my husband ends up sub-contracting with his consulting firm. It’s a weird world, people!

So, today his wife posts a picture on FB of something F gave her for Christmas–four magnets of less-than-fully-dress-hunky-guy-that-I-don’t-recognize. A little flicker of memory hits and I respond with “It reminds me of what F gave me for my 17th birthday”. Which, for everyone reading this, was a Playgirl.That his mother bought.

F then messages me with a picture of the cover from the actual magazine. I have the year wrong–it’s not 86, it’s 83. So I was FIFTEEN. And apparently returned the favor by giving him a playboy.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. 15? What the heck was his mother thinking? If that was my child I would have smacked her silly.

2. How the heck was I able to procure a playboy to give to him? I can’t picture some store clerk selling one to a 15 year old. Maybe I looked older? Maybe I asked my friend’s mother?

3. Didn’t any of my friends think it odd that I was reading an adult pornographic magazine at 15??

4. THANK YOU, GOD, for grabbing me up out of the pit that I was entrenched in!

By 15 I had already seen a lot of pornography. I don’t remember a whole lot about the issue, other than Tommy Chong (of Cheech and Chong fame) and the fact that the centerfold had asked his parish priest if it would be ok for him to pose nude. (I don’t know what the priest was smoking for him to say yes.)

For more than 17 years I have battled this particular demon of sex addiction. It’s things like this that shout to me how lost I was in it without having any clue that I was lost.

Borrowing a Line

Pornography is anything that mocks the holiness of God by destroying the sacredness of sex.

http://purityafterpornography.wordpress.com/

Wow. One sentence to sum everything up perfectly.

The State of the Blogger

Hey People. I’ve missed you all! I know it’s my own fault, but sometimes, ok, many times I’ve passed by here not knowing what to post. Not wanting to just put down words for the sake of just having a post. That’s disrespectful of you and your time. I haven’t had any excellent recipes lately. No massive spiritual insight. Jim’s still working, thank the Good Lord. We’re still afloat. The kids are reasonably healthy, having a small stomach bug and a cavity. I have a new client starting on Saturday.

There. That’s the last two and a half weeks. Aren’t you edified?

One thing of note, I guess. As of tomorrow I will have 9 weeks of sobriety. That’s a satisfying number. I emailed the elder board and our pastor and asked to resume my deacon duties if they approve.

Our church is going through it’s “re-launch”. It’s been challenging with a different format, changing the way we worship, meeting expectations etc. But it’s also been nice to see visitors in the pews and someone, GASP, raising a hand during worship time.

You know, for YEARS I didn’t use my musical gift. I sat with the congregation, whether by my choice or someone else’s, and soaked up and enjoyed. On the one hand, there are times that I miss that–being able to get lost in worship. But on the other hand, being able to actually USE my voice and my piano playing for God’s glory is amazing. Now, the piano ain’t nearly as good as the voice, but it’s decent enough. My wish each week is that I don’t get in the way of the congregation worshipping.  I don’t want them to focus–for good or for bad (i.e. “wow, she has a great voice!” or “wow, she really messed that up” or “boy, I wish we could have someone else up there!”).

I know some of you help lead worship. Are you able to worship at the same time?

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. Hello All from weather-confused PA! We’ve had sunny and 80′s and yesterday morning had snow. I admit to looking forward to late April and May, where it’s just warm spring instead of weird spring.

2. Jim is asleep in his own bed right now, and all is right with the world. Ok, my world. Week 2 of New Hampshire is finished. We definitely have one more week; after that we don’t know what’s going on. I’m ok with that. With two weeks under our collective belts, I know we can handle more if necessary. Sure, the single-parenting aspect gets old. I can’t imagine how military families do it–my hats off to you men and women who hold down the home forts for upwards of a year at a time while your spouse serves.

3. In Boo-Boo updates, Laura is able to make a loose fist and doesn’t need the splint anymore. Bennett seems to be on the mend as well, so we’re ending the week much better than we started it.

4. With having karate during the week, we’re back to “movie night” on Fridays. Last night we watched Despicable Me, which was excellent. Tonight is Mega Mind, which I think will be somewhat similar. I think they’re ready for Indiana Jones, but Jim says no–those melting faces at the end would be too much.

5. Our church is going through a lot of changes–leadership, name, structure…just a bunch of things going on. For someone who isn’t overly fond of change, it’s a lot to deal with at once! I keep repeating “Change is good. Change is good. Change is good.” to convince myself to be more comfortable.

6. Freecycle is such a great place to get rid of things you don’t want and to find things you need. I’m much more of a get-rid-of type, but this week I scored twice: sparring pads for Bennett and snowpants and boots for Laura for next winter! WooHoo! Free stuff that we actually need!

7. As of today, I’ve been sober for four weeks. It’s been good. Not that I like to, but I wonder if sometimes it’s not a good thing to fall flat on my face. It reminds me–brutally–that I can’t do this on my own. That I am powerless and need God to get through this thing called addiction. Long-term sobriety is excellent and wonderful and I love it, but one can get, shall we say, a little cocky. Which is stupid.

And on that note, I’ll wish you all a great weekend. If you have one, go and hug your spouse. Just because you can.

Celebrate Recovery

Hi Tina, I’m abc! Hi Tina, I’m fgh! Hi Tina, I’m pdq!

“My name is xxx.”

“Hi xxx!”

“Thanks for sharing, xxx.”

It was slightly cliched. But everyone was incredibly nice. There are two Celebrate Recovery meetings near me. I attended the Friday night one (four minutes from home) and will try the Wednesday night one next week (10 minutes from home).

There was, tonight at least, no specific group for women with SA, so I sat in one for codependency. They would have let me skip the sharing part, but I felt safe enough to say what’s been going on in my life this week.

Suckage, as an online friend puts it.

I’m now checking in with my pastor’s wife. She and I talked about the whole ugly saga on Tuesday. I talked to the pastor first–yes, that was suckage as well. I cried. It was hard. The pastor’s wife was easier. I’ve used the phrase “I’m a sex addict” m0re times this week than I have in the past five years. Literally.

I think I finally came to that point tonight. Here. Now.

1. Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. (Yup. I’m not God.)

2. Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover. (This one was harder. I know He has the power to help me recover. But coming to the place where I believe I matter to God, after these past months, was and is hard. I had to remind myself that no matter how they act, I love my children. Unconditionally. If I am called a Child of God, then He must view me the same way) (See, that Identity theme is still a big deal to me!)

3, Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control. (And here’s where I am RIGHT THIS SECOND. This is the hard part. committing my life and will to God, ergo, not MY control. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t going so well!)

So I’ll be concentrating on Step 3 for the next bit. I know I’ve been spotty about posting. I’m making no guarantees, either. I’ve been in recovery long enough to know that there is a good place up ahead. There is healthy choices and no “just giving in”, but I’ve also been around the block long enough to know it’s going to take time, effort, and some pain.

So enough about me, how’s things with you, anyway?

Consequences

I sent this email today:

“Pastor, Elder1, Elder2 and Deacon,

I’m coming to you with a difficult thing to say. I feel the need to step down temporarily from my position of deacon. There is an area of sin in my life that makes it such that I feel I am unable to be in leadership, given the biblical requirements. I know that no one is without sin—that none of us are perfect—but this has been controlling me instead of me controlling it. I am committed to getting help, which is why it’s not a permanent step. If you feel the need for details I am willing to provide them, but didn’t feel comfortable doing so as a group.

Please accept my apologies for this.”

I’m going to Celebrate Recovery on Friday evening. Please pray that I find a sponsor. I’ve been wallowing in this. If I’m a deacon I can’t wallow and if I wallow I can’t be a deacon.

Recovery Bumps

So here’s the deal. I’m a recovering sex addict. If you don’t know that about me, feel free to look at the addiction link on the left and read up. I’m reasonably open about it. I’m also reasonably open about the fact that it stinks.

Recovery is HARD. I’ve been working at it, more or less, for over 16 years now. Some months are better than others. Sometimes the addiction is “on the back burner’ and I forget about it for days at a time. Other times it’s right in my face, reminding me time and time again that I have to make intentional choices about how I handle stress, fear, problems, etc because my default will usually be going on the internet and looking at or reading something completely inappropriate.

I have been looking at attending some sort of group therapy thing called Celebrate Recovery. It’s Christian-based and there are two groups that are local to me. Unfortunately, one meets while I am driving my son home from karate and the other meets while our church has its weekly prayer meeting. With Jim being an elder and me a deacon, there are certain expectations that one of us attend.

I’m committed to my recovery. It’s going to be a lifelong process. I wish that it was something more like alcohol where you just don’t drink. But sex, as a married person, is a part of my life. I have to have it be a healthy part of my life instead of unhealthy and that takes work. I’m somewhat discouraged with just how much work it takes sometimes.

Openness vs TMI

We had the weekly prayer meeting at our house last night (as an aside, it’s a great impetus to clean!) after our monthly deacon meeting, also at our house. The pastor was talking about being authentic. Then it came time to go around in a circle and ask for prayer requests. And I went back and forth about what to say.

On the one hand, I am sincerely STRUGGLING right now with my addiction. Between ovulating and Jim being unemployed, I just want to medicate. It’s been a really rough week or so. I’ve screwed up. I’ve repented. I’ve confessed and emailed my Accountability Partner. And screwed up again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

On the other hand, not one of the people there last night knows about this. I’ll say it again, sex addiction is not like alcoholism. As much as sin is sin is, they just are not in the same place with social acceptance. And sex addiction being what it is, generally speaking, it’s best to keep it within a same-gender accountability. There were four men there last night, only one of which was my husband.

So I kept my silence. I prayed silently for myself, adding to the out-loud prayers that another prayed for me for peace about Jim’s job situation. And I come here and be honest instead. Anonymously honest, which is safer.